Secret Asian Man….

“The Names Battlecat, Herschel Battlecat”….

For quite some time now, most sensible people have not felt comfortable getting into a moving vehicle whilst I was behind the wheel….who could blame them really, especially with my…umm…how should I put this…. ‘patchy’ driving record!

Having said that, in the last 2 days I have had the honour to chauffeur both friends and family – Peow Peow! The trust is slowly rebuilding… this rate, within a few years I will once again be invited to weddings….or be allowed near peoples children….Go Go Gadget Trust!

Today’s vehicular voyage, led myself and a couple of fellow insurgents (who shall remain nameless due to national security), to a secret matinee of “The Bourne Legacy”….at Southbank Cinema’s…167 Grey St, South Brisbane QLD – (07) 3846 0289 – 12:05 session……Fuck! I’ve said too much!

I enjoyed the film immensely, and have now decided that I would like to be a spy.

I know, I know…..but I don’t have any experience I hear you say! Well I beg to differ! According to my EXTENSIVE research, which has included watching various spy films and episodes of ‘Danger Mouse’, to achieve my dream I must possess the following attributes –

Speed –
I once came 3rd place in a 100m race when I was 9, so I obviously have the potential

Agility –
Both my Interpretative Dance and Jazz Tap teachers have described my agility as ‘Scary’ – plus, my friends call me Battlecat – as in, ‘Agile as a’

Proficiency in Arms –
I Have two of them and can use them both

Determination –
I have see all of the Terminator films….Twice! – Plus I NEVER leave a buffet until I am full

Stealth –
I once stole a girls virginity whilst she was sleeping

Intelligence –
I represented the state at a year 5 Spelling Bee – I was knocked out in the first round after failing to spell ‘Drought’ – But, in my defence, that winter we had the highest rainfall in 100 years, sooo…..(I did beat an asian kid though)

Martial Arts –
I Looove Asian food…..I’m assuming the rest will just fall into place

Creativity –
I am a Master at improvisational gadgetry (I grew up watching Macguyver)….I once developed a makeshift toilet system using a funnel and a garden hose to avoid getting out of bed…..until the neighbours complained about the smell near my bedroom window….

Plus, anyone who has seen my resume will admit that it is VERY, VERY creative….

Information Gathering –
Not only can I tell you what my neighbours had for dinner, I can also tell you what they are wearing and what they smell like (I’m typing this post from inside their bedroom)

Anonymity –
I don’t even know who I am anymore!

I think the fist step in this process will be ascertaining an appropriate training institution….I will call LANGLY, VIRGINIA in the morning…or, failing that, my local TAFE. The most important thing is that I chase my dream….and to do that I plan to keep myself motivated by reading Macgyver quotes –

“For the past seven years I have done nothing but travel around the world getting shot up, locked up, blown up … and all I have to show for it are a couple of empty rolls of duct tape.” – MacGyver




  1. davest007

    Dear Herschel,

    I believe you forgot one important feature that will make you extremely desirable as a spy [or gogo dancer] … nothing to lose. Are you … expendable?

    Also, I believe you should consider changing your name to steven, my name is steven and I can assure it is a very good name, plus I have found in my experience that I can go whole weeks without anyone calling me. I would imagine this is a priceless bonus for a future spy such as yourself.

    Kind regards,

    • 365afd

      Hi Steven – If that’s even your real name?

      Who are you working for? The Arabs? Washington? Martha Stewart? ….Reluctantly, I will trust you are trustworthy, and trust in the hope you are to be trusted…for now.

      Firstly, it is imperative in the short term that I maintain my birth name, Herschel, as I am currently staying at my local synagogue….if Rabbi Kromovitz found out I had abandoned my heritage, he would kick me into next Passover!

      Secondly, Yes, I am extremely expendable….not 1 of my previous girlfriends has had any regrets about dumping me, and are all apparently doing quite well as a result!


    • 365afd

      Thanks Runninbear…..Glad my quest to save the world has brought you some joy….and remember, don’t let anyone squash your dreams!

      It’s like MacGyver always says – “Some people are scared of anybody who runs free.” – MacGyver

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