I’ve had a Crete Idea!
As we are all well aware, the economic situation in Greece has gone from bad, to very bad, to worse! Recent workplace strikes brought an already struggling nation to an almost complete stop; with banks, taxi drivers and fruit stall owners, collectively ‘downing tools’ for the day. Obviously, a country in such financial distress cannot afford this kind of industrial turmoil, especially if it is to ever again have the chance of prospering like its ancient homosexual philosopher ancestors once did!
So with this in mind, and perhaps in another attempt to embrace my distant Greek heritage, I put the hamster on the wheel of my mind and set out to conjure ideas to help mother Greece return to its thriving ‘you pay less for cash’ mentality! You want to buy a clock Radio?
Being of Greek decent, this issue is close to my heart and has driven me to try all things Greek in homage to some of the greatest critical thinking fender benders. Recently, I gave a hand job to a guy on a bus whilst contemplating Plato’s Allegory of the Cave- but I decided philosophy was not my thing. I have abandoned all articles of clothing, bar a paint stained pair of overalls and a fisherman cap. My workout routine now consists of fruit picking and dry walling. I have abandoned my motor vehicle and now travel solely in the comfort of goat driven carts! Apart from anal sex, I’ve pretty much adapted the Greek lifestyle verbatim!
I have been living like this for approximately 3 months now in the hope that I could perhaps channel some kind of ‘Greek-ness’, and hopefully understand what it is that our beautiful country needs to once again soar like a pigeon. Alas, the ideas would not come…
There I was, watering the driveway and throwing vinegar on the concrete to stop it from cracking when it hit me…..TOURISM!
Any country looking to dig itself out of financial distress needs bums on seats – and not bums to violate! My homeland needs a fresh insurgence of, perhaps more ‘modern’ western ideas to get back in shape….and I think I have a few that will do just nicely!
Even during Americas economic disaster, people continued to go to Broadway….in fact, in some cases, profits even went up! What better to take your mind of the struggles of your failing nation than dinner and a show? NOTHING!
So these are a couple of ideas I have so far; current, but with a Greek twist so tangible you can almost taste it in your kolo (ass)!
A spin off of the extremely successful animated movie ‘Despicable Me’, the story focuses on the main character Agamemnon, an Athenian potter with the desire to be the most evil potter in the land. A Greek comedy, Agamemnon molests and fingerbangs anyone he comes in contact with before eventually contracting syphilis and jumping off the Varkiza cliffs.
***I think this will encourage visitors to come to Greece and try either cliff jumping or Adultery ***
Just as the hit stage show ‘Mama Mia’ brought back the fame and shit songs of Abba, I believe Mala-Kia will do the same for Greece’s Favourite singing slut, Nana Mouskouri! Spanning her whole back catalogue, the musical covers the incredibly personal life story of the most successful Greek diva to ever sodomise the earth.
***All I can say is…CHA- CHING! What better to lure the backdoor bandits out of their caves than a musical about the ‘White Rose of Athens’? ***
A heart wrenching operatic tragedy about the fabled warlord Achilles and his insurmountable battles with peripheral vascular disease, tendinopothy and athletes’ foot that saw him subbed out in the second half of the battle of troy. The shower scene in which Achilles army of Myrmidons contract debilitating tinea is one that will be echoed through the ages…..
***Definitely one to be appreciated by sports fans, gladiators and people with particular areas of defined weakness***
‘A streetcar named Gamisou’
Unlike the original play by Tennessee Williams, this play focuses on the unhealthy attractions its primary characters have with the Greek transportation system….a cruel and unforgiving mistress.
The main characters include:
Efstratious Abraxas – A brutish alcoholic paint wholesaler with a penchant for hailing taxis – “EEELLLLLLAAAAAAA” is his cry as he rushes home to shower his family with abuse and ‘Mission Brown’ paint samples
Aello Abraxas – Wife of Efstratious Abraxas, Aello (meaning storm wind) fights a constant battle with Irritable Bowl Syndrome (IBS) caused by her husbands erratic and eccentric behaviour. She is also afraid of catching buses.
Vasilious Daskalous – An overachieving soccer player turned bus driver, Vasillious has an obscure interest in the size and length of his pubic hair- an interest that eventually drives a wedge between him and those he holds dear, and gets him into serious trouble with the transport authority.
Taxideyo Mavrigyanis – A ‘femme fatal’ who occupies the minds of all Greek men she sees, despite the suspicious bulge that permeates her hipster jeans. Taxideyo (from the greek word ‘to travel’) is a complete narcissist and self confessed hedonist/ prostitute. She/He, services/patrols the streets in her yellow cab offering cheap fares and rim jobs during the frequent public transport outages.
***Tickets will sell themselves for this ‘Euro-Trash classic’! I envisage ‘sold out’ a matinee performed at the Parthenon…….“EEELLLLLLAAAAAAA”******
If you have any other ideas to help Greece reclaim their economic prosperity, please feel free to email me at – firstname.lastname@example.org