Category: Readers digress…

Belligerent Clairvoyant

I know little of my family Before coming to Australia, but thanks to ancestors.com, I have traced my family tree back and discovered the following – My actual birth name is ‘Ludwig Von Battlecat’ and I am the only child of ‘Griselda Naudstrum’ and ‘Marcus Aurelius Von Battelcat’.

Interestingly, my Mother, ‘Griselda Naudstrum’ – was once a successful Dental Assistant turned mouthwash addict. My Father, ‘Marcus Aurelius Von Battelcat’, was a Travelling ‘dog-tag’ salesman and ‘Canasta’ shark, who’s once thriving business had diminished significantly since the end of the Vietnam War.

According to my research, it was my Mothers addiction to oral hygiene that eventually bankrupted my father, causing their separation and driving him into the arms of another man.  Unable to cope with the reality of child-rearing, and perhaps after 1 too many ‘Listerine’s’, my birthmother left me in the woods of the Carpathian Mountains, abandoned and alone. I believe she still lives in Kraków and has an online ‘Chemist Warehouse’ specialising in ladies sanitary products, and catheter cleaning kits.

My birth Father however, whilst on holidays with his life-partner, ‘Glen’, was killed tragically during a horrific Panda attack at a Japanese kindergarten. It was widely publicised, and apparently even inspired the hit Japanese Game Show “Moshi Moshi, Gaijin”.

(Above – Contestant on Game Show – “Moshi Moshi Gaijin” – winning the coveted ‘Panda Hammer’)

I however, spent the first 4 years of my life raised by a pack of wolves. This was a happy time in my life, with Falco (Wolf leader) always ensuring I had enough to eat and that my coat remained shiny and tick free. Falco also protected me from other predators such as Bears and Lynxes, as I lived happily amongst my surrogate wolf family. It was a simpler time, hunting and gathering; far removed from the ‘Borderline Personality disorders’ and ‘Overactive thyroid’ problems I now face as an ‘adult –man-wolf’. As I grew older, I began to realise however that I was different to my wolf kin (I imagine this is how Kim Kardashian must feel in Hollwood – surrounded by so many talented people?)

(Above – Falco and Mishka – Happier times)

This difference became more and more apparent, until eventually, at age 4, I left my wolf brethren and I was adopted by a Prussian Gypsy named ‘Baba-Ganoush’.  Like me, ‘Baba-Ganoush’ was rejected by her birth family due to her overpowering aroma of eggplant and predilection for salt licks (She was forced to sleep in her family’s stable with the horses).

You going to eat that salt lick?

(Above- Baba Ganoush – A very handsome woman!)

It was during the years I spent with Baba-Ganoush I learnt the ancient gypsy art of ‘Rune reading’ and ‘Fortune Telling’….which is why today I am choosing to share my ‘Gifts’ with you all and give you your stars for the upcoming week.

Look deep into my crystal balls!

Aries
March 21 -
April 19

 A gang of hungry ‘Ethiopian Runners’ will break into your house; stealing your collection of ‘Rare Fridge Magnets’ and ‘Burger King’ vouchers. There will also be some suspicious stains left in the guest bathroom next to a worn out pair of ‘Converse’.

Taurus
April 20 -
May 20

 You will take a job working with an Italian Dictator crushing any and all motivation for ‘cooking’ you once had. You will however develop your “Italian motor skills’, and share your gift of ‘Gingivitis’ with a work colleague.

Gemini
May 21 -
June 20

Someone close to you will come to your house ‘unannounced’ and tamper with the thermostat on your ‘Axolotl Tank’. Subsequently, he will die a slow and painful death but will soon be replaced by your new passion for ‘Sea-Monkeys’. Plus check your jeans pockets, I see a small monetary win-fall coming your way VERY shortly

Cancer
June 21 -
July 22

Like your star sign suggests, this week for you is all about ‘Cancer’. You are RIDDLED with it! Look out for statements from experienced medical professions such as “I’ve never seen a melanoma this big before”, “it’s too advanced to operate” or, “let’s just focus on what time you have left”. I suggest buying a bandana, as it is definitely ‘Stage 5’.

Leo
July 23 -
August 22

Either you or someone close to you will be involved in a ‘Freak motor vehicle accident’ embroiling a ‘Penny Farthing’ and a ‘Hyundai Getz’. If you do not yet have hospital cover, act IMMEDIATELY – as the impending hospital bills will be enough to wipe the smile off even ‘Patch Adams’s’ face!

Virgo
August 23 -
September 22

Ironically, your 9-year-old ‘Virgo’ daughter ‘Tiffany’ will advise you that she is pregnant, and that the Father is her ‘Home Economics’ teacher, Mr. Sampson. This will cause quite the stir in your town, but will eventually prove to be untrue when testing of the ‘stain’ reveals it is only ‘Garlic Aioli’. Witnesses will also confirm that there was no sound of ‘shattering glass’ associated with Tiffany’s ‘hymen’ breaking, and that any such noise was most likely the ‘Kitchen-Aid’. Lying little bitch!

Libra
September 23 -
October 22

Like myself, this week will see you retrace you ancestral heritage, revealing your family’s rich ‘slave’ history. Although you are as ‘white as the driven snow’, it will soon come to light that your father, ‘Demarcus Jackson’, came to America on the ship the ‘Edgefield’ to pick cotton. This will hopefully explain your weakness for Fried Chicken, Corn bread, Grape juice and Oprah re-runs. On the plus side, record sales for your white supremacist group “Die Whoopi Goldberg, DIE!” have gone through the roof.

Scorpio
October 23 -
November 21

Whist buying groceries at the local supermarket, you will be approached a Television Network Executive and offered a spot in an upcoming ‘Islamic Comedy’ – ‘Slap Da Mufti!’. Your character, ‘Abdul Aleem’ (Meaning – Servant of the Omniscient) is an aspiring terrorist / Butler for an ‘Oil Sheikh’ in Pakistan. Your characters catch cry will be ‘Shazanini!’, every time the local authorities find one of your backpack bombs, thwarting his plans. The show will not be picked up following the pilot, as the network will say, “We just don’t think it’s the right time….”.

Sagittarius
November 22 -
December 21

This week will see you pursue further training in the field of ‘Iridology’ – which will eventually lead you to discover you have a ‘Degenerative Eye Disease’, ‘Glaucoma’ and will require ‘Cataract Surgery’. On the plus side, you will be given ‘legitimate’ scripts for ‘Medicinal Marijuana’, and will be invited to a LOT more parties! BONG ON!

Capricorn
December 22 -
January 19

 Love is on the horizon this week for Capricorn; unfortunately, this love will come in the form of ‘Rape’ at a local train station car park. Subsequent to this attack, you will develop severe ‘Agoraphobia’ and develop confusing feeling about your female therapist, Dr. Iguodala. She will prescribe you heavy doses of ‘Lithium’ and ‘Nirvana’ songs and suggestively touch your upper thigh on more than 1 occasion.

Aquarius
January 20 -
February 18

This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius! Unfortunately, what this ACTUALLY means, is that your wife ‘Dawn’ is cheating on you with a man named Robert – who drives a courtesy bus for the local Bowls Club. You will come home early from work to find ‘Robert’….’Parking the Bus’, all over the plastic wrapped sofa and your ‘late mothers’ tea chest.

Pisces
February 19 -
March 20

For all you Pisces out there, let me just say, there has NEVER been a better time to get into ‘Salmon Farming’. Opportunities like this one don’t come along very often, so grab it while the going is good. On the down side, your eldest daughter ‘Sophia’ has joined a ‘David Koresh’ style cult in Wisconsin and will most likely ‘Sacrifice herself’ by the time you finish reading this. Win some, lose some?

Café Confidential

In the spirit of Chef, food connoisseur, and celebrated author of ‘Kitchen Confidential’ Anthony Bourdain, I have decided to dedicate todays blog post to my most recent ‘Kitchen Nightmare’. The stories are REAL, the people are REAL…..the emotional scarring is FINAL!

Get your knives out Mother Fuckers…..shit is heating up!

Firstly, most Australians are familiar with the job site seek.com…. and for me, this is essentially where all the madness I am about to unfold began. I honestly feel I should take civil action against seek.com for the gross misrepresentation  contained in its filthy pages of so called ‘dream jobs’. Lies I tell you, all lies!

For anyone who has ever worked in the food services industry, wording such as ‘Great team’, ‘No Weekends’, ‘No Nights’ is extremely alluring. Unfortunately, as is often the case with so many things in life, the reality is much different!  What these terms ACTUALLY mean is ‘Shit team’, ‘No Breaks’ and ‘Fuck all sleep’! And whilst deep down I wanted to believe that there was actually a job out there which offered this ‘pot of gold’ situation….the closest I ever came to the end of the rainbow, was being fucked in the arse by an Italian leprechaun! Fiddly dee potatoes Giuseppe!

Whilst I make no claim that my cooking skills are worthy of adoration, during my working career I have had the opportunity to work with some fantatsic chefs, and be part of some wonderful food. I have worked alongside Chefs who have have cooked for the Queen, Marco Pierre White, Bono…..run Restaurants for Maggie Beer and Simon Bryant….well you get the Idea. And again, whilst I make no false claim regarding my AVERAGE cooking abilities, I have had the opportunity to be part of some very nice food, working with VERY inspiring people….and if you have ever worked in a kitchen, you will know this quality lifts your performance immensely!

During my own culinary journey, I have had the fortune to do some pretty cool shit! I have been part of backstage catering for U2 and Kanye, Tool, Big Day Out, AC/DC …..Ive worked at Mafia weddings, helped run corporate boxes at Tennis Championships and Motor Racing events, i’ve done remote mine site catering, 3 course dinners for 5 to 1000 people….all in all, not too bad for someone who has turned down 3 cooking apprenticeships!

So bearing my previous experience in mind, I guess I automatically assumed I ‘had what it takes’ to make sandwiches…..but we all know what they say about assumptions right? Idiot!

(Beetroot Salmon Gravlax – a great cold entree for dinner parties- and it tastes fucking amazing!! Just one dish we did for a 1000 person dinner, drizzled with a lemon oil dressing and a frisee citrus salad – stick that up your sandwich bar!)

           ‘Enter the Café’

I knew as soon as I met the proprietor of the Café in question, Giuseppe, that this was potentially going to be a fucking nightmare! His ‘Rock Star’ attitude and over priced Bagels should have been an indication as to what kind of madness I was getting myself into…..but to be honest, the whole time he was talking, all I kept saying in my head was “A-Pepe, go for the face-a”

Now, when “A-Pepe, go for the face-a” didn’t call me back regarding the job, I have to say I was secretly relieved! After all, was this the sort of thing my ‘career’ actually needed right now? Plus, even when I met him to discuss the position, there was another guy ‘trialing’ already…..which immediately made my spider senses tingle…

I am not sure what it is with fucking Italians, but they love the ‘trial shift’. When I was a youngster, I worked for an Italian….and for the weeks worth of ‘Trialing’ I did, he ‘paid’ me 2 pizza bases and a bottle of Chinotto! Cheap fucker! I show you how- you-a scum!

trialing – present participle of tri·al (Verb)

Verb:
  1. Test (something, esp. a new product) to assess its suitability or performance.
  2. (of a horse, dog, or other animal) Compete in trials.

Days passed and “A-Pepe, go for the face-a” still hadn’t called, so I assumed he had found a more suitable candidate for the position….and then I received a message. The message was direct, asking if I was still looking for work – there was no name on the message (like I should have just known who it was due to his level of importance)….This was also at 6:24 am on a Monday morning, asking if I could start tomorrow – For a ‘trial shift’. And because I’m a fucking idiot, I “went for the face-a!”

However, being the diligent employee I am, I arrived 20 minutes early to get a ‘vibe’ for the place and show that I was keen to make a go of things. My keenness and willingness to please lasted approximately 12 minutes – precisely the amount of time it took for me a be schooled in the art of tomato placement!

“Don’t put so much tomato on there – are you trying to send us broke?” the crazy woman yelled….

Yes. Yes, I was! If there is one thing I have learnt in all of my years of catering, it is that nothing, and I mean NOTHING sends family run business’s down the slippery slope of financial decline faster that putting 3 slices of tomato on a fucking sandwich!

‘Ok, ok….you had me at hello” I replied. Fuck! It was at this point I knew it was going to be a LONG day……

After that, I pretty much stopped trying….and I mean, I was operating at about 30%. If you wanna play this game I thought, I’ll play my own. When you work in kitchens, you develop gears – and when the shit hits the fan, you always find another gear; unless you switch off the motor (which is exactly what I did!)

The technical term for this is called ‘taking the piss’. “A-Pepe, go for the face-a!”

So the sandwiches continued, and I just puttered along contemplating what I had done to deserve ending up here. Had I wronged someone in a previous life? As far as I’m concerned I’m not THAT bad of a guy….Iv’e even made a citizens arrest of a guy who robbed a blind woman….I’m like BATMAN for fucks sake, how the hell did I end up in this asylum? And before I knew it, it was time to move onto peeling fruit….Uh Oh!

It truly is a test of character to be berated for performing a task the way it is supposed to be done. I have honestly lost count of how many fruit platters I have made in my time, but let me just say – this aint my first rodeo! But hey, there I was being told how it should be done….and then I showed her my way/ the correct way….and she starting ranting like a fucking lunatic! She was literally shaking with rage as she belittled me for not having, as she put it – ‘Italian motor skills’. As soon as she said that, I absolutely LOST MY SHIT! It was honestly one of the funniest things I had ever heard, and I laughed sooo hard in her face that I swear she could have smelt the gingivitis around my incisors!!

Now, I am almost certain that no one that has ever worked with this woman has ever done this to her. She is the typical Italian dictator – runs her environment with an iron fist and motivates her staff with fear! So I decided to put this bitch back in her box!

“What a crock of shit! Take it easy Mussolini – I really don’t give a fuck you know -I’ll do it your way if you want. Fucking hell, I can see why you guys joined the Germans during the war…Fascist” I yelled at her.

(Above – Benito Mussolini – A top Bloke!)

Things went a little quiet in the kitchen after that, but I think I got my point across. That public speaking course really paid off after all!

“I’d like to thank baby Jesus,my parents, all the members of the academy….”

Things continued along in this manner for the rest of the shift; too much lettuce, not enough lettuce etc… and when Hitler left the room, I casually said to the other girl I worked with – “Wow! Iv’e worked for megalomaniacs before, but this is off the hook!”

“What’s that?” she replied timidly, all doe eyed and looking on the verge of tears.

“Never mind” I responded, instead choosing to focus on taking deep breaths and slowing down my work pace as I whistled the Godfather theme song. “And may your first child be a masculine child” I said aloud before bursting into laughter…..this chick thought I was fucking crazy!

So, I guess part of me died that day (the part of me where I kept my dignity), and believe it or not; I turned up to work the next day to do it all again! What a fucking masochist I can hear you say! Yes, well there is probably a little truth in that. I honestly felt like I could identify with how prostitutes must feel after a ‘day at the office’…..except I didn’t have the lingering taste of dick in my mouth…..yet!

On day 2, I witnessed the women’s’ liberation movement go backwards 60 years when “A-Pepe, go for the face-a!” realized he was overstaffed and business was a little quieter than usual…The following is a verbatim account of how to deal with Café overstaffing in 1948 – oh and did I mention ‘No Coloureds – No Irish’

“I don’t care which one of these fucking sluts you send home, but one of these fucking sluts has gotta go! Get rid of one of them or I’ll fire the lot of you cunts! Fucking Bitches!” = PRICELESS!!!

In fact, here are some of my favourite quotes from my Café Days:

(Me) “Ive worked with misogynists before, but this is some next level shit!” – (worker) “Is that a real word?” = Yes dear.

(Boss lady) “If you wanna move in the fast lane, you better know how to drive!” – Apparently, sandwiches = fast lane

(“A-Pepe, go for the face-a!”) ” So Stavros, your Greek, and those guys across the road are Greek….are you here to fucking spy on us or what?”  – (Me) – “Yes, I am here to learn all of your sandwich making secrets and then replicate them for my Cypriote brothers across the road” = WOW!!!

(Me) “So what do you put in your spice blend that you use to marinate the chicken?” (Boss Lady) – “We don’t tell anyone because the last French Guy we told stole the recipe from us. French bastard” – If I was to hazard a guess, this secret herbs and spice mix contains: chilli flakes, Moroccan seasoning, sweet paprika, cayenne pepper and Garlic salt= A matter of the highest national security!

(Boss lady) “What star sign are you” – (Me) -“Taurus. Why is that?” (Boss lady) – “Ahhh….see? I never would have hired you….A bloody Greek Taurus…no wonder you know everything” = Possibly the most sensible thing I heard in 3 weeks (But clearly, the bar isn’t set very high)

(Boss lady) “You mark my words, you will be the last Greek we will ever hire! All you Greeks wanna do is sit around playing cards! None of you want to work. You send the women off to work so you can stay home and paint the fence! Scemo!” = Another racist Italian Cafe owner

(“A-Pepe, go for the face-a!”) “Hey, you-a live a-here? I’m gunna build you-a new-a fence!” = Italian hobby farming at it’s best!

Everyone in the business, was referred to as a scemo…..even the delivery drivers received barrages of abuse when they entered the building! All in all, I have never met a more infallible bunch of wops!

scemo, a

1       agg   stupid, foolish, silly

2       sm/f   idiot, fool

In an attempt to retain my sanity during what was at times, a difficult work environment (because I was surrounded by FREAKS), I would often entertain myself by making up random information about my work history. In the 3 weeks I worked there, I  had the following occupations:

1) Discount Persian rug salesman

2) Plus size model  (mainly of capes and gloves)

3) Sweat shop owner (My factory was in Bangalore India and specialised in Nike knock-offs)

4) Paint wholesaler

5) Fisherman (Crabs and squid off the Peruvian coast)

6) Strip club barman (True)

7) Children’s author (Never published, but I have written a few short stories, yes)

8) Artistic director of QTAC ( I actually wrote a couple of songs whilst on the job, including ‘The Sandwich Song’, and ‘I’m not a triple threat; I’m a double shot!’ – Plus I began writing my first play – ‘Who you calling White Bread?’)

9) Hip Hop Producer – (this is actually in the pipeline – look out for the soon to be hit single by ‘Chubby Digits’ – ‘Where da white women at?’)

10) Goat herder – (Because every Greek owns goats right?- Nigga Please!)

And do you know what the strangest thing is? I actually think I’m going to miss the place! Funnily enough, despite my lackadaisical approach to the work, complete disrespect for authority, and blatant disregard for anyone else’s feelings….I think they actually liked me?

When Boss lady started yelling at me – for no good fucking reason…..I would snap back! The day I advised them I was leaving, I said the following:

“Right! That’s fucking it! This is not 1940 and we are not in FUCKING SICILY ANYMORE!!! I wouldn’t speak to my FUCKING DOG like that! So I guess this is as good a time as any, but I’m leaving! I’m too old for this shit!”

Now I know this sounds very dramatic, but when you are dealing with these ‘hot blooded Italians’, it’s the only way to get through sometimes….and besides, I’m a Greek Taurean…..I shouldn’t even be working….I should be playing cards or painting the fence!

I am lucky I decided to leave when I did – as I honestly feel I was developing Stockholm syndrome! I had started to sympathize with and develop feelings for my captors! Oh well, another chapter in my life closes…..onto the next adventure and potentially abusive workplace then eh?

I hate my life….but remember….when God hands you lemons…..YOU FIND A NEW GOD!!!!

JESUS LOVES YOU - BUT EVERYONE ELSE THINKS YOUR A WANKER!

It’s not me…..it’s you!

Hi Guys….. and perhaps less discerning girls…..

Below is a letter I have just penned to my real estate agent, regarding numerous ‘issues’ I have had since my tenancy inception….let me know your thoughts on how I handled the situation…

 

Good Afternoon,

I am the tenant of ******** Ipswich Rd.

I am writing in relation to the water leaking from my roof onto all of my electrical equipment; I have notified you of this previously, and nothing has been DONE! When I came into the office, unfortunately the response was to give me the number of the plumber, Ascot Plumbing……I have attempted to contact this plumber and he will not pick up! Might I also add, as a tenant, this is not MY FUCKING responsibility!

Let me make this clear – I want this fixed IMMEDIATELY!

If this issues not fixed IMMEDIATELY….I will be contacting all relevant persons, including the RTA and the owners of the property – Crandon Investments PL & Vandaley Properties PL to advise them of the stewardship provided by your real estate agency. This is not good enough! Earn your 6% or 10% or whatever you fucking charge!

I have water leaking through the light fixtures for gods sake! I am not paying $250 a week to live under a bridge…..I do not find the ‘thrill of electrocution’ as inciting as I once did in my early 20’s……you are the responsible party, so I advise you act like it! Otherwise I will do everything in my power to send your company’s name into disrepute!

Every social media tool, every public forum…..will echo the name ‘Matthews Real Estate’…..emphasising the ‘lacklustre’ approach to property maintenance which your company so wholeheartedly deserves!

I make no apologies for my abrupt tone; but to be honest, I have already dramatically reduced the aggression I intended to express.

You think I am overreacting? Ok….

This week I received an email from Mathews Real estate….loaded with  threatening undertones, for a mistake that was not my fault regarding my electricity –
I will pay for my FUCKING ELECTRICITY GOD DAMMIT! Don’t you dare have the brass balls to accuse me of avoiding my financial responsibility due to a FUCK UP by a contractor endorsed by YOUR company! – In saying this, Clare from reception handled this professionally following the information I provided – but to be honest, I do not like fucking accusations for something that was not my fault – PERIOD!

I have had contractors walk into my house while I was home…UNANNOUNCED AND WITH THEIR OWN SET OF KEYS….to complete work I was never notified of…..

One of your electricians turned my power off UNANNOUNCED….and then preceded to leave…..if I had not caught him before he drove away, I would have been without power for god knows how long!

In short –  the responsibility for my current level of aggression is because of your agency. THIS IS NOT FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH!

Rest assured, if this is not rectified immediately, I will contact every MOTHER FUCKER on gods green earth until I receive the treatment prescribed under the Residential Tenancies Act that protects me from inferior real estate agencies such as yourself!

This is QLD; Subsequently, full of fucking idiots- but if you are going to run a business, and YOUR business is REAL ESTATE….don’t treat it like the ‘wild west’ …..do your fucking job and follow it through for gods sake!

I look forward to hearing from you FIRST THING MONDAY MORNING!!!! – If not, I’ll call Today Tonight on you wankers……oh and did I mention I won’t be renewing my lease? ……It’s not me….it’s you….I just think we should see other people…..

Regards,

Stavros Battlecatalous

A Streetcar named Gamisou….

I’ve had a Crete Idea!

As we are all well aware, the economic situation in Greece has gone from bad, to very bad, to worse! Recent workplace strikes brought an already struggling nation to an almost complete stop; with banks, taxi drivers and fruit stall owners, collectively ‘downing tools’ for the day. Obviously, a country in such financial distress cannot afford this kind of industrial turmoil, especially if it is to ever again have the chance of prospering like its ancient homosexual philosopher ancestors once did!

So with this in mind, and perhaps in another attempt to embrace my distant Greek heritage, I put the hamster on the wheel of my mind and set out to conjure ideas to help mother Greece return to its thriving ‘you pay less for cash’ mentality! You want to buy a clock Radio?

Being of Greek decent, this issue is close to my heart and has driven me to try all things Greek in homage to some of the greatest critical thinking fender benders. Recently, I gave a hand job to a guy on a bus whilst contemplating Plato’s Allegory of the Cave- but I decided philosophy was not my thing. I have abandoned all articles of clothing, bar a paint stained pair of overalls and a fisherman cap. My workout routine now consists of fruit picking and dry walling. I have abandoned my motor vehicle and now travel solely in the comfort of goat driven carts! Apart from anal sex, I’ve pretty much adapted the Greek lifestyle verbatim!

I have been living like this for approximately 3 months now in the hope that I could perhaps channel some kind of ‘Greek-ness’, and hopefully understand what it is that our beautiful country needs to once again soar like a pigeon. Alas, the ideas would not come…

Until today!

There I was, watering the driveway and throwing vinegar on the concrete to stop it from cracking when it hit me…..TOURISM!

Any country looking to dig itself out of financial distress needs bums on seats – and not bums to violate! My homeland needs a fresh insurgence of, perhaps more ‘modern’ western ideas to get back in shape….and I think I have a few that will do just nicely!

Even during Americas economic disaster, people continued to go to Broadway….in fact, in some cases, profits even went up! What better to take your mind of the struggles of your failing nation than dinner and a show? NOTHING!

So these are a couple of ideas I have so far; current, but with a Greek twist so tangible you can almost taste it in your kolo (ass)!

‘Despicable Re’

A spin off of the extremely successful animated movie ‘Despicable Me’, the story focuses on the main character Agamemnon, an Athenian potter with the desire to be the most evil potter in the land. A Greek comedy, Agamemnon molests and fingerbangs anyone he comes in contact with before eventually contracting syphilis and jumping off the Varkiza cliffs.

***I think this will encourage visitors to come to Greece and try either cliff jumping or Adultery ***

‘Mala-kia’

Just as the hit stage show ‘Mama Mia’ brought back the fame and shit songs of Abba, I believe Mala-Kia will do the same for Greece’s Favourite singing slut, Nana Mouskouri! Spanning her whole back catalogue, the musical covers the incredibly personal life story of the most successful Greek diva to ever sodomise the earth.

***All I can say is…CHA- CHING! What better to lure the backdoor bandits out of their caves than a musical about the ‘White Rose of Athens’? ***

‘Achilles’

A heart wrenching operatic tragedy about the fabled warlord Achilles and his insurmountable battles with peripheral vascular disease, tendinopothy and athletes’ foot that saw him subbed out in the second half of the battle of troy. The shower scene in which Achilles army of Myrmidons contract debilitating tinea is one that will be echoed through the ages…..

***Definitely one to be appreciated by sports fans, gladiators and people with particular areas of defined weakness***

‘A streetcar named Gamisou’

Unlike the original play by Tennessee Williams, this play focuses on the unhealthy attractions its primary characters have with the Greek transportation system….a cruel and unforgiving mistress.
The main characters include:

Efstratious Abraxas – A brutish alcoholic paint wholesaler with a penchant for hailing taxis – “EEELLLLLLAAAAAAA” is his cry as he rushes home to shower his family with abuse and ‘Mission Brown’ paint samples

Aello Abraxas – Wife of Efstratious Abraxas, Aello (meaning storm wind) fights a constant battle with Irritable Bowl Syndrome (IBS) caused by her husbands erratic and eccentric behaviour. She is also afraid of catching buses.

Vasilious Daskalous – An overachieving soccer player turned bus driver, Vasillious has an obscure interest in the size and length of his pubic hair- an interest that eventually drives a wedge between him and those he holds dear, and gets him into serious trouble with the transport authority.

Taxideyo Mavrigyanis – A ‘femme fatal’ who occupies the minds of all Greek men she sees, despite the suspicious bulge that permeates her hipster jeans. Taxideyo (from the greek word ‘to travel’) is a complete narcissist and self confessed hedonist/ prostitute. She/He, services/patrols the streets in her yellow cab offering cheap fares and rim jobs during the frequent public transport outages.

***Tickets will sell themselves for this ‘Euro-Trash classic’! I envisage ‘sold out’ a matinee performed at the Parthenon…….“EEELLLLLLAAAAAAA”******

If you have any other ideas to help Greece reclaim their economic prosperity, please feel free to email me at – dirtywogbastard@hotmail.com

Regards,

Stavros Battlecatalous

Morning Glory

You know, it just occurred to me, that whilst I have done a lot of things in my life…..I have never written a poem about getting a ‘Erection’…… 

Well, now I can say I have. 

 

Morning Glory

Whilst lights tendrils spill unrelenting through feeble glass barriers,

The unblinking eye arises!

Like Sauron watches over Mordor.

An unwavering, constant, blink less gaze.

Self appointed gatekeeper of our earthly pleasure,

His stewardship maintains his resolve.

More vein than vain,

He rises – Rejuvenated!

With all the promise only morning brings.

Yearning only to be free from his linen shackles of oppression.

The rage of captivity rushes through every angry inch!

AAAARRRRRRHHHHHH!

To salute the sun,

The constant soldier,

Ever at attention with the breaking dawn…..

‘Ten-Hut’!

Just as clocks tick, time beckons him….

As from sleeps bosom, his mortal vessel rises to do his bidding.

Finally, Freedom!

To blossom like an ugly, ugly flower

And to bask in the joy that is his…Morning Glory!

1650’s Shades of Grey…

And today on Illiterates Corner…..

We are glad to present an excerpt from the first chapter of my provocative 1650’s english slang novel-

Hunting the Squirrel‘ …..

Chapter 1 –

Round Sum for a Kettle Drum

So as I ‘Crop the Conjuror’ , I thinks to me ‘self, she’d be the type to give a right Curtain Lecture. The Dirty Puzzle I mutters.

So I says, ‘Listen here me dear Nug’, acting the right Palaver as I tossed her a pig. ‘How’s bout sportin the dairy for this old dog in a doublet?’. I always was the practiced packthread.

She gandered me 12’s and 6’s, thinking me the right kidney!

‘Now you listen here me old Pettyfogger! She whined, ‘Best you, your Pego and your Peddlers French, just Shoole off to some other Nuggins house’, her face wearing the weather.

Many I time have I been to the family of love- but never have I been treated as a common Nick Ninny!

Completely flummoxed, I yells ‘Now hang on a tick me young hedge whore! I isn’t no regular Hickenbothom or Pickthank – I come to this here Nanny House to see some Madge! Kettle Drums! Dip me Pego in some Notch and get me Nutmegs grappled! What’s wrong wit ya? You a Nose Gunt or something?  And with a wink and a smile, I tossed the harlot a round sum, grabbed her by the arm and set to give that Florence a Flourish!  

Was on the next morn I realized I had been Peppederd! Proper Frenchified! What a Bye-Blow! I felt the right Cully….so off to the lock Hospital I trod. 

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Definitions:

Cop the Conjuror – Jeer with appellation at the woman with short hair

Curtain Lecturer – a woman who scolds her husband in bed

Dirty Puzzle -Slut

Nug -endearing term

Palaver – Flatterer

Pig – Sixpence

Dairy – Breasts

Dog in a Doublet – Stout or robust Fellow

Packthread – To use indecent language, well wrapped up

12’s and 6’s – look up and down

Kidney – Someone of strange humour

Pettyfogger – A little, dirty attorney; of small credit or reputation

Pego – Penis

Peddlers French – A walking stick

Shoole – To go skulking about

Nuggins House – Brothel

Family of Love – Brothel

Nick Ninny –  Simpleton

Hedge Whore – lowly Prostitute

Hickenbothem – A Ludicrous name for an unknown person

Pickthank – Tale- bearer or mischief-maker

Nanny House – Brothel

Madge – Vagina

Kettle Drums – Breasts

Notch – Vagina

Nutmegs – Testicles

Nose Gunt – Nun

Round Sum – Handsome sum of money

Florence – A Wench that has been ruffled

Flourish – To enjoy a woman in a hasty manner

Peppered – Infected with venereal disease

Frenchified – Infected with venereal disease

Bye–Blow – Bastard

Cully – A fop or Fool

Lock Hospital – Venereal Hospital

***Hunting the Squirrel  –  Coming to all desperate and clingy bookstores September 17***

CarSales.com

Last year, I attempted to sell my car via the website Carsales.com.au…..the following is an account of one experience I had during this process….

For the most part, the people interested in buying the car were a bunch of scrotums! They were either ‘Tyre Kickers’ or fucking ‘Low-ballers’ – I think one guy offered me $4k….I was asking $7…..I politlely told him to ‘Fuck off’.

Eventually, after a few months of complete sales frustration, I received an email….

Now buy this point, might I start by saying, I had completely had enough! I was a live-wire…..a raw bundle of emotion, balanced precariously on the edge of sanity and madness….

I was literally ready to stab the next motherfucker who kicked my rim, or offered to buy the car for a fiver, a packet of Mentos and a reach around….

Anyway….so then I got this email….

From: “enquiry@www.carsales.com.au”
Message:
Hello, just wondering if you are negotiable on the price as I have $6000 cash . Thanks Jacqui

My response –

Subject: Re: Enquiry from http://www.carsales.com.au – Enquiry ID : 513748
Hello,

I am no longer going to sell the car. I would rather keep it than sell it for the price you and many others are asking. I wish you the greatest fortune in your elusive hunt to buy something for nothing. Perhaps you might like to reconsider your choice? Why not find something in your price-range…..like a 1980 datsun 120y? It comes with a free midget and will definately fit in your mum’s garage…….Pfffft.

BC

Maybe I was a little too harsh….but it’s like MacGuyver always says –

“There’s a fine line in nature that divides the hunter from the hunted.” – MacGuyver