Below is a copy of a recent advertisement I placed on ‘Gumtree.com.au’ for my couches……Hopefully I will find a buyer….If you cannot read this, I have copied the text below….
Coming home from a hard days work at the sweatshop or paper mill, to relax and unwind in the unparalleled comfort provided by these two ‘Black Beauties’’!!!
As we approach the summer months, can’t you just envisage your fat kiester planted soundly in the fold of a ‘Bonded Leather’ embrace, like a sweaty pressed picnic ham? LUXURY!
Aimed to provide the highest level of derriere contentment, these 2 ‘loveseats’ are made of the highest quality ‘Jew Skin’ and ‘Bonded Leather’. Designed and hand crafted by renowned French Sadomasochist, “Francois Mange La Foufe ”, these two stylish pieces are guaranteed to give both of your fanny cheeks a flutter, whilst adding instant elegance to your next ‘Swingers’ Party, ‘Snuff Flick’ or ‘Bah Mitzvah’! Mozel tov!
Both pieces are 2.5 Seaters, and can comfortably accommodate approximately –
1 Fatogram, 2 Regular sized humans, or 3 midgets in a small inflatable raft.
And rest assured, should you make the wise decision to purchase these beautiful couches, you will be in VERY good company, as many notable serial killers such as the ‘Menendez Brothers’, ‘Ted Bundy’ and ‘Val Kilmer’ were all avid collectors of the French Genius’s work. Ahhh….such prestige!
Alternatively, should you be simply be looking for cheap leather to craft that next ‘Rape Swing’ or ‘Gimp Mask’, rarely does an opportunity come along for unbeatable value such as this!!
That’s right people, ‘Ludwig Von Battlecat’s Furniture Emporium’ is having a “SPACE CRISIS PRICES” Sale…and for a limited time only, both of these are available for the LOW< LOW PRICE of $350! – That’s over 100% OFF!!
F%$* OFF!!! – Shop around – you can’t beat that price!
And just like I always say, if you find a better price anywhere,- “I’ll cut my face off and feed it to my army of cats!” superior
Sale ends Thursday – Be quick!
Hi Guys….. and perhaps less discerning girls…..
Below is a letter I have just penned to my real estate agent, regarding numerous ‘issues’ I have had since my tenancy inception….let me know your thoughts on how I handled the situation…
I am the tenant of ******** Ipswich Rd.
I am writing in relation to the water leaking from my roof onto all of my electrical equipment; I have notified you of this previously, and nothing has been DONE! When I came into the office, unfortunately the response was to give me the number of the plumber, Ascot Plumbing……I have attempted to contact this plumber and he will not pick up! Might I also add, as a tenant, this is not MY FUCKING responsibility!
Let me make this clear – I want this fixed IMMEDIATELY!
If this issues not fixed IMMEDIATELY….I will be contacting all relevant persons, including the RTA and the owners of the property – Crandon Investments PL & Vandaley Properties PL to advise them of the stewardship provided by your real estate agency. This is not good enough! Earn your 6% or 10% or whatever you fucking charge!
I have water leaking through the light fixtures for gods sake! I am not paying $250 a week to live under a bridge…..I do not find the ‘thrill of electrocution’ as inciting as I once did in my early 20’s……you are the responsible party, so I advise you act like it! Otherwise I will do everything in my power to send your company’s name into disrepute!
Every social media tool, every public forum…..will echo the name ‘Matthews Real Estate’…..emphasising the ‘lacklustre’ approach to property maintenance which your company so wholeheartedly deserves!
I make no apologies for my abrupt tone; but to be honest, I have already dramatically reduced the aggression I intended to express.
You think I am overreacting? Ok….
This week I received an email from Mathews Real estate….loaded with threatening undertones, for a mistake that was not my fault regarding my electricity –
I will pay for my FUCKING ELECTRICITY GOD DAMMIT! Don’t you dare have the brass balls to accuse me of avoiding my financial responsibility due to a FUCK UP by a contractor endorsed by YOUR company! – In saying this, Clare from reception handled this professionally following the information I provided – but to be honest, I do not like fucking accusations for something that was not my fault – PERIOD!
I have had contractors walk into my house while I was home…UNANNOUNCED AND WITH THEIR OWN SET OF KEYS….to complete work I was never notified of…..
One of your electricians turned my power off UNANNOUNCED….and then preceded to leave…..if I had not caught him before he drove away, I would have been without power for god knows how long!
In short – the responsibility for my current level of aggression is because of your agency. THIS IS NOT FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH!
Rest assured, if this is not rectified immediately, I will contact every MOTHER FUCKER on gods green earth until I receive the treatment prescribed under the Residential Tenancies Act that protects me from inferior real estate agencies such as yourself!
This is QLD; Subsequently, full of fucking idiots- but if you are going to run a business, and YOUR business is REAL ESTATE….don’t treat it like the ‘wild west’ …..do your fucking job and follow it through for gods sake!
I look forward to hearing from you FIRST THING MONDAY MORNING!!!! – If not, I’ll call Today Tonight on you wankers……oh and did I mention I won’t be renewing my lease? ……It’s not me….it’s you….I just think we should see other people…..
I’ve had a Crete Idea!
As we are all well aware, the economic situation in Greece has gone from bad, to very bad, to worse! Recent workplace strikes brought an already struggling nation to an almost complete stop; with banks, taxi drivers and fruit stall owners, collectively ‘downing tools’ for the day. Obviously, a country in such financial distress cannot afford this kind of industrial turmoil, especially if it is to ever again have the chance of prospering like its ancient homosexual philosopher ancestors once did!
So with this in mind, and perhaps in another attempt to embrace my distant Greek heritage, I put the hamster on the wheel of my mind and set out to conjure ideas to help mother Greece return to its thriving ‘you pay less for cash’ mentality! You want to buy a clock Radio?
Being of Greek decent, this issue is close to my heart and has driven me to try all things Greek in homage to some of the greatest critical thinking fender benders. Recently, I gave a hand job to a guy on a bus whilst contemplating Plato’s Allegory of the Cave- but I decided philosophy was not my thing. I have abandoned all articles of clothing, bar a paint stained pair of overalls and a fisherman cap. My workout routine now consists of fruit picking and dry walling. I have abandoned my motor vehicle and now travel solely in the comfort of goat driven carts! Apart from anal sex, I’ve pretty much adapted the Greek lifestyle verbatim!
I have been living like this for approximately 3 months now in the hope that I could perhaps channel some kind of ‘Greek-ness’, and hopefully understand what it is that our beautiful country needs to once again soar like a pigeon. Alas, the ideas would not come…
There I was, watering the driveway and throwing vinegar on the concrete to stop it from cracking when it hit me…..TOURISM!
Any country looking to dig itself out of financial distress needs bums on seats – and not bums to violate! My homeland needs a fresh insurgence of, perhaps more ‘modern’ western ideas to get back in shape….and I think I have a few that will do just nicely!
Even during Americas economic disaster, people continued to go to Broadway….in fact, in some cases, profits even went up! What better to take your mind of the struggles of your failing nation than dinner and a show? NOTHING!
So these are a couple of ideas I have so far; current, but with a Greek twist so tangible you can almost taste it in your kolo (ass)!
A spin off of the extremely successful animated movie ‘Despicable Me’, the story focuses on the main character Agamemnon, an Athenian potter with the desire to be the most evil potter in the land. A Greek comedy, Agamemnon molests and fingerbangs anyone he comes in contact with before eventually contracting syphilis and jumping off the Varkiza cliffs.
***I think this will encourage visitors to come to Greece and try either cliff jumping or Adultery ***
Just as the hit stage show ‘Mama Mia’ brought back the fame and shit songs of Abba, I believe Mala-Kia will do the same for Greece’s Favourite singing slut, Nana Mouskouri! Spanning her whole back catalogue, the musical covers the incredibly personal life story of the most successful Greek diva to ever sodomise the earth.
***All I can say is…CHA- CHING! What better to lure the backdoor bandits out of their caves than a musical about the ‘White Rose of Athens’? ***
A heart wrenching operatic tragedy about the fabled warlord Achilles and his insurmountable battles with peripheral vascular disease, tendinopothy and athletes’ foot that saw him subbed out in the second half of the battle of troy. The shower scene in which Achilles army of Myrmidons contract debilitating tinea is one that will be echoed through the ages…..
***Definitely one to be appreciated by sports fans, gladiators and people with particular areas of defined weakness***
‘A streetcar named Gamisou’
Unlike the original play by Tennessee Williams, this play focuses on the unhealthy attractions its primary characters have with the Greek transportation system….a cruel and unforgiving mistress.
The main characters include:
Efstratious Abraxas – A brutish alcoholic paint wholesaler with a penchant for hailing taxis – “EEELLLLLLAAAAAAA” is his cry as he rushes home to shower his family with abuse and ‘Mission Brown’ paint samples
Aello Abraxas – Wife of Efstratious Abraxas, Aello (meaning storm wind) fights a constant battle with Irritable Bowl Syndrome (IBS) caused by her husbands erratic and eccentric behaviour. She is also afraid of catching buses.
Vasilious Daskalous – An overachieving soccer player turned bus driver, Vasillious has an obscure interest in the size and length of his pubic hair- an interest that eventually drives a wedge between him and those he holds dear, and gets him into serious trouble with the transport authority.
Taxideyo Mavrigyanis – A ‘femme fatal’ who occupies the minds of all Greek men she sees, despite the suspicious bulge that permeates her hipster jeans. Taxideyo (from the greek word ‘to travel’) is a complete narcissist and self confessed hedonist/ prostitute. She/He, services/patrols the streets in her yellow cab offering cheap fares and rim jobs during the frequent public transport outages.
***Tickets will sell themselves for this ‘Euro-Trash classic’! I envisage ‘sold out’ a matinee performed at the Parthenon…….“EEELLLLLLAAAAAAA”******
If you have any other ideas to help Greece reclaim their economic prosperity, please feel free to email me at – firstname.lastname@example.org
Anyone who knows me, knows I began writing this blog as a way of purifying and freeing my restless soul from clutches of the demon drink.
Now, whilst I have maintained my alcoholic sobriety, I have in fact spent the last 2 and a half weeks smoking more weed than Cheech Marin! I chose to fill one gap-filler with another….shame! Well…..NO MORE I SAY!
And as the bong smoke finally cleared, I had what us Alcoholics refer to as a ‘moment of clarity’….
It was at this moment I realized there is a void in my life….a missing piece in the Battlecat puzzle….
I need a woman!
In order to help me achieve this, I have decided to try my hand at Internet dating.
Below is a copy of my internet dating profile….hopefully I will find someone to sign their name across my heart….
Hi there! Thanks for taking the time to read my profile!
My friends describe me as a workaholic, as I often spending weeks at a time travelling to various chemists buying pseudoephedrine for local biker gangs.
I enjoy arts and crafts and especially enjoy sowing – I once made an anorak from a collection of hot dog skins and old car seat covers (2nd place at the Ipswich County Fair 1998)
Like most nudists, I enjoy outdoor activities such as bird watching, bush walking, totem tennis and slip and slides. Unfortunately, due to recent legal ‘entanglements’, I am not allowed within 1 kilometer of schools, kindergartens or nursing homes and I am required to wear an electronic scrotal bracelet.
Music plays a big part in my life, and I am currently the singer / guitarist in a local ‘Hispanic Metal-Core’ band – ‘Los Wetbacks’ ’. We play a range of music, however we mainly focus on covers of Terrence Trent D’arby, Womack & Womack and Rockwell. Our sound has been described as mix between Santana, Sepultura and Rosie Perez.
I love children and one day hope to start my own family – Until then I will continue practicing my parenting techniques on my neighbors daughter chained up in my basement…..(she is so cute!….the pictures on the milk cartons don’t do her justice!)
In my spare time, I am also working on completing my first novel, a psychological thriller called – ‘The Mane Vein’. Based in Washington, the story focuses on the inner dealings of a White House bestiality scandal when a Horse is found dead in the West Wing. After paternity tests of various foreign ministers and dignitaries reveal who the culprit is…..It is then up to the President himself to defeat the enemy in a Beat-box / Battle-Rap for the freedom of all America.
I have sent my book to a few publishers and reviewers…..here is the feedback I have received so far…
This will definitely be called the most epic ‘Beat-box / Battle-Rap’ in any political /crime / Psychological thriller of our time!
Phillip Sturgeon – Rolling Stone
The Author weaves such an enchanting web of deceit…. which is proven by the fact he calls himself a writer!
I felt like I could taste the sweat on the Mic’s…..
Ian Sebase – Better Homes and Gardens
This book took me somewhere I never want to go again….
Cynthia Flaxon – Random House
Aside from writing, I believe it is extremely important to be actively involved in the community, which is why I am continuously looking for new ideas and events to bring people together. Next Thursday I am planning a forest fire, then the following Thursday will be a ‘Gay Bash Parade’ to celebrate 20 years since the release of the film Philadelphia.
Well, that pretty much sums me up! Feel free to drop me a line and maybe we could meet up for a coffee or skeet shooting? ☺
What am I looking for:
I guess I am looking for a woman with a sense of herself….like a gynecologist or a midwife type….but you know…fit!
Someone with money……and someone who will support me in all of my many talents and eccentric pursuits. I guess I have come to a point in my life where I am looking to share the picnics…..and the parking fines with someone special….not retarded, but….well…. someone emotionally weaker than me who can be manipulated and molded how I want them. I am looking to inflict my own special brand of love on 1 lucky lady…could this be you? Call me!
Interests / Activities
Germ Warfare, Spider bites, Quadriplegics, Photography, Hate Crimes, The Venga Boys, Reading, Communism, Leather Chaps, Hanging with mates, Totem Tennis, Iridology, Bukkake, Jews, Sweat Farms, Soda Stream, Documenting Religious effigies found in Supermarket Fresh Produce
I wrote this letter on behalf of a friend of mine…..it is now my standard email reply to ‘Russian Brides’ wanting to get to know me……..
Доброе утро Sasha!
I am also writing to you from alternate email address from my work. You may write me at either email, but today I must be attending work as many people requiring massages before I later go for my daily windsurf. : )
It is nice to be seeing your faces. You have much beautifulness in your epidermis, this is truth speak.
You talk of distance between us, and this is also having much truthnicity…. As I am very far from Chehov also as well. I live in a place called Ipswitch, a town of many knife fights, blood lust and single mothers. This place also leave me in search of tenderness and broad shouldered women, with only my pillow to catch the tears of my daily yearnings for true lust. How I dream of finding the sickle to my hammer that completes my world and appeases the beast within. I am a lone wolf – hungry and cold – ready to gnaw of the rabbit’s foot of romance and internet dating.
For me in life, there are no borders – only border jumpers. I too have seen many lands and met many people’s faces With the wind at my spine, I have gazed at the beauty of this world, travelling like renegade gypsy in search of love and rockets. Alas, my heart remains empty. For many years, like unwashed fisherman, I have cast off the nets of loves prawn trawler, with only the most meagre of catches and occasional crabs. For me , love is as real as the feelings you feel at the time you feel you have felt them….oh what a feeling to have felt those feelings I felt I felt when I saw you. I too am of 30 years aged….although in the heart, I am a young infant warrior poet. For you see, like you, I am caged – caged in the hope of one day realizing my dream that the dream of love is not only a dream, but a cage! We must free ourselves from the caginess of this cage, before our souls become prisoners to our lonely hearts!
I hear in your words you speak of husband – and I too wish to be one, as this brings much honour to Australian wife. I have no interest in walking and drinking. These games are for the children who litter the streets, and while I want many strong children, I do not like litter as litter is for the weak! I am strong! I have strong hands and strong heart, but stronger hands. For you see, hands must not deal with pains of the heart as they are hands – and that is why you and I must be more like hands – strong in our grip of realizing our caged dream.
I have tenderness and much room in my heart for the right woman. Maybe this is you? Are you the rabbit’s foot I seek to gnaw? Does the wind blow the name Sasha in the empty corridors of my mind? Does 2 + 2 = 5? Only time will tell as we climb on board this rollercoaster of desire, dipping and climbing through the inner recesses of our hearts. I am an emperor penguin – Monogamous. I seek a mate with whom I can swim loves channels, only coming up for air to meet each other in tender embrace. I refuse to eat the scraps from loves table any longer! I have had my share of krill…and so have you! For tonight my wonder lust, you and I shall dine on caviar and sweet breads as we take our rightful seats at the emperor’s monogamous table!
I look forward to our next conversation and more photographs of your prettiness. You are as beautiful as a model from store catalogues and it gives me much happiness to be looking at you whilst I am sleeping.
With impatience, I also await your reply as well.
Andre ‘Big Dog’ Witherspoon
So you want to be a Misogynist? Congratulations!
By buying this book, you have officially taken your first step towards reclaiming man’s rightful seat on the throne of sexual domination. For too long now, the waters of planetary ‘co-ed’ civilization have been ‘filthified’…..but do not despair my brothers….for it is time to clean the pond! So Gentlemen, dust off those Tweed leather patched jackets and corn pipes, as I, Chester Misanthrope III delve into the our beautiful past, in the hopes of rekindling ideas such as ‘Prima Nocta’ and live stake burnings.
Successfully, left wing extremist types, bandying the notion of equality between Man and Woman, have left Men with only a sense of self-doubt, rather than sense of self. I for one, have had my fill of the ‘Germain Greere’s and Virginia Wolfe’s, and propose to take arms; teaching these ‘suffragettes’ the definition of suffering under the weight of dirty linen and birth-farms…..
The word Misogyny, derived from Greek:
miso- + gunē – woman
Modern translation – Hatred of Women
As it is clear from the words root origins, the term suggests that women (Miso) are indeed missing a Gene (Gune’); Perhaps explaining some of their more peculiar habits such as bathing, afternoon talk shows and hair appointments.
But how does one undertake the ‘usurping’ of such a little known and feared opponent? Particularly one that has the potential to become retard strong?
Being men of battle, we understand that blood is associated with pain and suffering – yet these creatures endure this monthly, delivering us (the innocent) the pain instead. That is why we must undertake further learning’s of these single celled enemies, to understand them, delivering them to their god given role of kitchen stewards, fetal capsules and seamstress’s.
As Sun Tzu sates in ‘The Art of War’:
Disciplined and calm, to await the appearance of disorder and hubbub amongst the enemy:–this is the art of retaining self-possession.
And so gentleman, we must prepare to attack the greatest scourge mankind has ever been required to face since the Predator – Women. Ready yourselves, as I will teach you to both physically and metaphorically push womankind back down the 2100 flights of stairs….that is….. ‘Man’s’ evolution.
This weeks exercise: Have a few drinks, lash out verbally at girlfriend / wife / grandma pointing out their inadequacies.
Extra Credit: Punch a stranger in the breast whilst yelling ‘you’re too dumb to vote anyway’
In the past, when I was not busy showering friends and family with abuse, I had a variety of unique past-times. One of these included placing fake pamphlets in people’s letterboxes. Some of the topics for these pamphlets included:
Savings coupons for non existent ladies health care products (such as ‘Vagine- a-Seal’)
Monetary rewards offered for the safe return of lost children who were not mine
Love letters/ Ransom notes cut out of magazine text
Invitations to S&M parties at a selected house on the street
Defamatory letters regarding a selected member of the church community and their ties to child pornography
And of course….Fake Rock Concerts!
Here is an example of one…
Due to overwhelming demand you have been invited to the reunion concert for the legendary 70’s punk rockband- ‘White Cracked Feet’.
The reunion will feature all the original lineup with…..
Jimmy Whitehorse- Vocals, marraccas
Hans Zolar- Lead Guitar, spoons
Reggie Bonox- Drums
Kyle Lister- Bass Guitar, Cheese grater
All you have to do is text the word ‘Glitter’, to 1975755 to receive the address of the gig!
On the night, simply present this invite at the gates to spend your night with these legends of punk rock…. and relive such classics as…
‘Glitter Bitch’ 1972 (Whitehorse, Zolar)
‘Hands off, White Devil’ 1971 (Whitehorse, Lister)
‘Touch my Squid’ 1973 (Bonox)
‘Relax On My Fist’ 1978 (Whitehorse, Zolar, Lister)
‘Picknick Slut’ 1972 (Lister, Feat- Pete Jazz & the sex offenders)
‘Choke me Harder’ 1976 (Whitehorse, Zolar)
‘I’m not your father so kiss me there’ 1976 (Whitehorse)
See You At The Gig!!!!
***PATRONS MUST PRESENT COUPON TO BE GRANTED ENTRY – ONE COUPON PER CUSTOMER***
Fuck I had some good times……
“We’re all gonna die. The trick is not to rush it.” – MacGyver