Misogyny – A Beginners Guide

Image

 

 

So you want to be a Misogynist? Congratulations!

By buying this book, you have officially taken your first step towards reclaiming man’s rightful seat on the throne of sexual domination. For too long now, the waters of planetary ‘co-ed’ civilization have been ‘filthified’…..but do not despair my brothers….for it is time to clean the pond! So Gentlemen, dust off those Tweed leather patched jackets and corn pipes, as I, Chester Misanthrope III delve into the our beautiful past, in the hopes of rekindling ideas such as ‘Prima Nocta’ and live stake burnings.

Successfully, left wing extremist types, bandying the notion of equality between Man and Woman, have left Men with only a sense of self-doubt, rather than sense of self. I for one, have had my fill of the ‘Germain Greere’s and Virginia Wolfe’s, and propose to take arms; teaching these ‘suffragettes’ the definition of suffering under the weight of dirty linen and birth-farms….. 

Word History

The word Misogyny, derived from Greek:

miso-  + gunē – woman

Modern translation – Hatred of Women

As it is clear from the words root origins, the term suggests that women (Miso) are indeed missing a Gene (Gune’); Perhaps explaining some of their more peculiar habits such as bathing, afternoon talk shows and hair appointments.

But how does one undertake the ‘usurping’ of such a little known and feared opponent? Particularly one that has the potential to become retard strong?

Being men of battle, we understand that blood is associated with pain and suffering – yet these creatures endure this monthly, delivering us (the innocent) the pain instead. That is why we must undertake further learning’s of these single celled enemies, to understand them, delivering them to their god given role of kitchen stewards, fetal capsules and seamstress’s.

 As Sun Tzu sates in ‘The Art of War’:

Disciplined and calm, to await the appearance of disorder and hubbub amongst the enemy:–this is the art of retaining self-possession.

 And so gentleman, we must prepare to attack the greatest scourge mankind has ever been required to face since the Predator – Women. Ready yourselves, as I will teach you to both physically and metaphorically push womankind back down the 2100 flights of stairs….that is….. ‘Man’s’ evolution.

 

This weeks exercise: Have a few drinks, lash out verbally at girlfriend / wife / grandma pointing out their inadequacies.

Extra Credit: Punch a stranger in the breast whilst yelling ‘you’re too dumb to vote anyway’

Morning Glory

You know, it just occurred to me, that whilst I have done a lot of things in my life…..I have never written a poem about getting a ‘Erection’…… 

Well, now I can say I have. 

 

Morning Glory

Whilst lights tendrils spill unrelenting through feeble glass barriers,

The unblinking eye arises!

Like Sauron watches over Mordor.

An unwavering, constant, blink less gaze.

Self appointed gatekeeper of our earthly pleasure,

His stewardship maintains his resolve.

More vein than vain,

He rises – Rejuvenated!

With all the promise only morning brings.

Yearning only to be free from his linen shackles of oppression.

The rage of captivity rushes through every angry inch!

AAAARRRRRRHHHHHH!

To salute the sun,

The constant soldier,

Ever at attention with the breaking dawn…..

‘Ten-Hut’!

Just as clocks tick, time beckons him….

As from sleeps bosom, his mortal vessel rises to do his bidding.

Finally, Freedom!

To blossom like an ugly, ugly flower

And to bask in the joy that is his…Morning Glory!

1650’s Shades of Grey…

And today on Illiterates Corner…..

We are glad to present an excerpt from the first chapter of my provocative 1650’s english slang novel-

Hunting the Squirrel‘ …..

Chapter 1 –

Round Sum for a Kettle Drum

So as I ‘Crop the Conjuror’ , I thinks to me ‘self, she’d be the type to give a right Curtain Lecture. The Dirty Puzzle I mutters.

So I says, ‘Listen here me dear Nug’, acting the right Palaver as I tossed her a pig. ‘How’s bout sportin the dairy for this old dog in a doublet?’. I always was the practiced packthread.

She gandered me 12’s and 6’s, thinking me the right kidney!

‘Now you listen here me old Pettyfogger! She whined, ‘Best you, your Pego and your Peddlers French, just Shoole off to some other Nuggins house’, her face wearing the weather.

Many I time have I been to the family of love- but never have I been treated as a common Nick Ninny!

Completely flummoxed, I yells ‘Now hang on a tick me young hedge whore! I isn’t no regular Hickenbothom or Pickthank – I come to this here Nanny House to see some Madge! Kettle Drums! Dip me Pego in some Notch and get me Nutmegs grappled! What’s wrong wit ya? You a Nose Gunt or something?  And with a wink and a smile, I tossed the harlot a round sum, grabbed her by the arm and set to give that Florence a Flourish!  

Was on the next morn I realized I had been Peppederd! Proper Frenchified! What a Bye-Blow! I felt the right Cully….so off to the lock Hospital I trod. 

Image

Definitions:

Cop the Conjuror – Jeer with appellation at the woman with short hair

Curtain Lecturer – a woman who scolds her husband in bed

Dirty Puzzle -Slut

Nug -endearing term

Palaver – Flatterer

Pig – Sixpence

Dairy – Breasts

Dog in a Doublet – Stout or robust Fellow

Packthread – To use indecent language, well wrapped up

12’s and 6’s – look up and down

Kidney – Someone of strange humour

Pettyfogger – A little, dirty attorney; of small credit or reputation

Pego – Penis

Peddlers French – A walking stick

Shoole – To go skulking about

Nuggins House – Brothel

Family of Love – Brothel

Nick Ninny –  Simpleton

Hedge Whore – lowly Prostitute

Hickenbothem – A Ludicrous name for an unknown person

Pickthank – Tale- bearer or mischief-maker

Nanny House – Brothel

Madge – Vagina

Kettle Drums – Breasts

Notch – Vagina

Nutmegs – Testicles

Nose Gunt – Nun

Round Sum – Handsome sum of money

Florence – A Wench that has been ruffled

Flourish – To enjoy a woman in a hasty manner

Peppered – Infected with venereal disease

Frenchified – Infected with venereal disease

Bye–Blow – Bastard

Cully – A fop or Fool

Lock Hospital – Venereal Hospital

***Hunting the Squirrel  –  Coming to all desperate and clingy bookstores September 17***

White Cracked Feet….

In the past, when I was not busy showering friends and family with abuse, I had a variety of unique past-times. One of these included placing fake pamphlets in people’s letterboxes. Some of the topics for these pamphlets included:

Savings coupons for non existent ladies health care products (such as ‘Vagine- a-Seal’)
Monetary rewards offered for the safe return of lost children who were not mine
Love letters/ Ransom notes cut out of magazine text
Invitations to S&M parties at a selected house on the street
Defamatory letters regarding a selected member of the church community and their ties to child pornography

And of course….Fake Rock Concerts!

Here is an example of one…

Dear Rocker,

Due to overwhelming demand you have been invited to the reunion concert for the legendary 70’s punk rockband- ‘White Cracked Feet’.

The reunion will feature all the original lineup with…..

Jimmy Whitehorse- Vocals, marraccas
Hans Zolar- Lead Guitar, spoons
Reggie Bonox- Drums
Kyle Lister- Bass Guitar, Cheese grater

All you have to do is text the word ‘Glitter’, to 1975755 to receive the address of the gig!
On the night, simply present this invite at the gates to spend your night with these legends of punk rock…. and relive such classics as…

‘Glitter Bitch’ 1972 (Whitehorse, Zolar)
‘Hands off, White Devil’ 1971 (Whitehorse, Lister)
‘Touch my Squid’ 1973 (Bonox)
‘Relax On My Fist’ 1978 (Whitehorse, Zolar, Lister)
‘Picknick Slut’ 1972 (Lister, Feat- Pete Jazz & the sex offenders)
‘Choke me Harder’ 1976 (Whitehorse, Zolar)
‘I’m not your father so kiss me there’ 1976 (Whitehorse)

See You At The Gig!!!!

Rowan Hammill
(Tour Manager)

***PATRONS MUST PRESENT COUPON TO BE GRANTED ENTRY – ONE COUPON PER CUSTOMER***

Fuck I had some good times……

“We’re all gonna die. The trick is not to rush it.” – MacGyver

CarSales.com

Last year, I attempted to sell my car via the website Carsales.com.au…..the following is an account of one experience I had during this process….

For the most part, the people interested in buying the car were a bunch of scrotums! They were either ‘Tyre Kickers’ or fucking ‘Low-ballers’ – I think one guy offered me $4k….I was asking $7…..I politlely told him to ‘Fuck off’.

Eventually, after a few months of complete sales frustration, I received an email….

Now buy this point, might I start by saying, I had completely had enough! I was a live-wire…..a raw bundle of emotion, balanced precariously on the edge of sanity and madness….

I was literally ready to stab the next motherfucker who kicked my rim, or offered to buy the car for a fiver, a packet of Mentos and a reach around….

Anyway….so then I got this email….

From: “enquiry@www.carsales.com.au”
Message:
Hello, just wondering if you are negotiable on the price as I have $6000 cash . Thanks Jacqui

My response –

Subject: Re: Enquiry from http://www.carsales.com.au – Enquiry ID : 513748
Hello,

I am no longer going to sell the car. I would rather keep it than sell it for the price you and many others are asking. I wish you the greatest fortune in your elusive hunt to buy something for nothing. Perhaps you might like to reconsider your choice? Why not find something in your price-range…..like a 1980 datsun 120y? It comes with a free midget and will definately fit in your mum’s garage…….Pfffft.

BC

Maybe I was a little too harsh….but it’s like MacGuyver always says –

“There’s a fine line in nature that divides the hunter from the hunted.” – MacGuyver

Secret Asian Man….

“The Names Battlecat, Herschel Battlecat”….

For quite some time now, most sensible people have not felt comfortable getting into a moving vehicle whilst I was behind the wheel….who could blame them really, especially with my…umm…how should I put this…. ‘patchy’ driving record!

Having said that, in the last 2 days I have had the honour to chauffeur both friends and family – Peow Peow! The trust is slowly rebuilding…..at this rate, within a few years I will once again be invited to weddings….or be allowed near peoples children….Go Go Gadget Trust!

Today’s vehicular voyage, led myself and a couple of fellow insurgents (who shall remain nameless due to national security), to a secret matinee of “The Bourne Legacy”….at Southbank Cinema’s…167 Grey St, South Brisbane QLD – (07) 3846 0289 – 12:05 session……Fuck! I’ve said too much!

I enjoyed the film immensely, and have now decided that I would like to be a spy.

I know, I know…..but I don’t have any experience I hear you say! Well I beg to differ! According to my EXTENSIVE research, which has included watching various spy films and episodes of ‘Danger Mouse’, to achieve my dream I must possess the following attributes –

Speed –
I once came 3rd place in a 100m race when I was 9, so I obviously have the potential

Agility –
Both my Interpretative Dance and Jazz Tap teachers have described my agility as ‘Scary’ – plus, my friends call me Battlecat – as in, ‘Agile as a’

Proficiency in Arms –
I Have two of them and can use them both

Determination –
I have see all of the Terminator films….Twice! – Plus I NEVER leave a buffet until I am full

Stealth –
I once stole a girls virginity whilst she was sleeping

Intelligence –
I represented the state at a year 5 Spelling Bee – I was knocked out in the first round after failing to spell ‘Drought’ – But, in my defence, that winter we had the highest rainfall in 100 years, sooo…..(I did beat an asian kid though)

Martial Arts –
I Looove Asian food…..I’m assuming the rest will just fall into place

Creativity –
I am a Master at improvisational gadgetry (I grew up watching Macguyver)….I once developed a makeshift toilet system using a funnel and a garden hose to avoid getting out of bed…..until the neighbours complained about the smell near my bedroom window….

Plus, anyone who has seen my resume will admit that it is VERY, VERY creative….

Information Gathering –
Not only can I tell you what my neighbours had for dinner, I can also tell you what they are wearing and what they smell like (I’m typing this post from inside their bedroom)

Anonymity –
I don’t even know who I am anymore!

I think the fist step in this process will be ascertaining an appropriate training institution….I will call LANGLY, VIRGINIA in the morning…or, failing that, my local TAFE. The most important thing is that I chase my dream….and to do that I plan to keep myself motivated by reading Macgyver quotes –

“For the past seven years I have done nothing but travel around the world getting shot up, locked up, blown up … and all I have to show for it are a couple of empty rolls of duct tape.” – MacGyver

H

The Warrior Poet….

The following, is a short poem I wrote a few years ago, whilst I was off my face on Booze, Hash and Endone…..It was definitely one of my finer moments….

At the time, I was listening to ‘Gabriel’ by Lamb….a truly moving, etherial – beautiful song! A song so powerful, that when I awoke on the floor of my lounge room, with broken crisps stuck to my face and a small puddle of drool on the floor, I realised I had been inspired to release my emotions through the medium of poetry…..enjoy!

“Ode to Cottonelle”

Of purist white,
your colours subtle beauty…
a spirit reflected on every ply.
Only in your absence do we dare remember the abrasive alternatives.
To roll over,
to roll under,
to scrunch,
to fold?
Whatever your desire…
These fanciful trends cannot change my love for thee!
That subtle touch.
That lingering stain.
How I long for your scented embossed perfection…..

***This Poem was written in honour of the toilet paper “Cottonelle” after enduring 3 days wiping my arse with pages from the phone book***