Anyone who knows me, knows I began writing this blog as a way of purifying and freeing my restless soul from clutches of the demon drink.
Now, whilst I have maintained my alcoholic sobriety, I have in fact spent the last 2 and a half weeks smoking more weed than Cheech Marin! I chose to fill one gap-filler with another….shame! Well…..NO MORE I SAY!
And as the bong smoke finally cleared, I had what us Alcoholics refer to as a ‘moment of clarity’….
It was at this moment I realized there is a void in my life….a missing piece in the Battlecat puzzle….
I need a woman!
In order to help me achieve this, I have decided to try my hand at Internet dating.
Below is a copy of my internet dating profile….hopefully I will find someone to sign their name across my heart….
Hi there! Thanks for taking the time to read my profile!
My friends describe me as a workaholic, as I often spending weeks at a time travelling to various chemists buying pseudoephedrine for local biker gangs.
I enjoy arts and crafts and especially enjoy sowing – I once made an anorak from a collection of hot dog skins and old car seat covers (2nd place at the Ipswich County Fair 1998)
Like most nudists, I enjoy outdoor activities such as bird watching, bush walking, totem tennis and slip and slides. Unfortunately, due to recent legal ‘entanglements’, I am not allowed within 1 kilometer of schools, kindergartens or nursing homes and I am required to wear an electronic scrotal bracelet.
Music plays a big part in my life, and I am currently the singer / guitarist in a local ‘Hispanic Metal-Core’ band – ‘Los Wetbacks’ ’. We play a range of music, however we mainly focus on covers of Terrence Trent D’arby, Womack & Womack and Rockwell. Our sound has been described as mix between Santana, Sepultura and Rosie Perez.
I love children and one day hope to start my own family – Until then I will continue practicing my parenting techniques on my neighbors daughter chained up in my basement…..(she is so cute!….the pictures on the milk cartons don’t do her justice!)
In my spare time, I am also working on completing my first novel, a psychological thriller called – ‘The Mane Vein’. Based in Washington, the story focuses on the inner dealings of a White House bestiality scandal when a Horse is found dead in the West Wing. After paternity tests of various foreign ministers and dignitaries reveal who the culprit is…..It is then up to the President himself to defeat the enemy in a Beat-box / Battle-Rap for the freedom of all America.
I have sent my book to a few publishers and reviewers…..here is the feedback I have received so far…
This will definitely be called the most epic ‘Beat-box / Battle-Rap’ in any political /crime / Psychological thriller of our time!
Phillip Sturgeon – Rolling Stone
The Author weaves such an enchanting web of deceit…. which is proven by the fact he calls himself a writer!
I felt like I could taste the sweat on the Mic’s…..
Ian Sebase – Better Homes and Gardens
This book took me somewhere I never want to go again….
Cynthia Flaxon – Random House
Aside from writing, I believe it is extremely important to be actively involved in the community, which is why I am continuously looking for new ideas and events to bring people together. Next Thursday I am planning a forest fire, then the following Thursday will be a ‘Gay Bash Parade’ to celebrate 20 years since the release of the film Philadelphia.
Well, that pretty much sums me up! Feel free to drop me a line and maybe we could meet up for a coffee or skeet shooting? ☺
What am I looking for:
I guess I am looking for a woman with a sense of herself….like a gynecologist or a midwife type….but you know…fit!
Someone with money……and someone who will support me in all of my many talents and eccentric pursuits. I guess I have come to a point in my life where I am looking to share the picnics…..and the parking fines with someone special….not retarded, but….well…. someone emotionally weaker than me who can be manipulated and molded how I want them. I am looking to inflict my own special brand of love on 1 lucky lady…could this be you? Call me!
Interests / Activities
Germ Warfare, Spider bites, Quadriplegics, Photography, Hate Crimes, The Venga Boys, Reading, Communism, Leather Chaps, Hanging with mates, Totem Tennis, Iridology, Bukkake, Jews, Sweat Farms, Soda Stream, Documenting Religious effigies found in Supermarket Fresh Produce
I wrote this letter on behalf of a friend of mine…..it is now my standard email reply to ‘Russian Brides’ wanting to get to know me……..
Доброе утро Sasha!
I am also writing to you from alternate email address from my work. You may write me at either email, but today I must be attending work as many people requiring massages before I later go for my daily windsurf. : )
It is nice to be seeing your faces. You have much beautifulness in your epidermis, this is truth speak.
You talk of distance between us, and this is also having much truthnicity…. As I am very far from Chehov also as well. I live in a place called Ipswitch, a town of many knife fights, blood lust and single mothers. This place also leave me in search of tenderness and broad shouldered women, with only my pillow to catch the tears of my daily yearnings for true lust. How I dream of finding the sickle to my hammer that completes my world and appeases the beast within. I am a lone wolf – hungry and cold – ready to gnaw of the rabbit’s foot of romance and internet dating.
For me in life, there are no borders – only border jumpers. I too have seen many lands and met many people’s faces With the wind at my spine, I have gazed at the beauty of this world, travelling like renegade gypsy in search of love and rockets. Alas, my heart remains empty. For many years, like unwashed fisherman, I have cast off the nets of loves prawn trawler, with only the most meagre of catches and occasional crabs. For me , love is as real as the feelings you feel at the time you feel you have felt them….oh what a feeling to have felt those feelings I felt I felt when I saw you. I too am of 30 years aged….although in the heart, I am a young infant warrior poet. For you see, like you, I am caged – caged in the hope of one day realizing my dream that the dream of love is not only a dream, but a cage! We must free ourselves from the caginess of this cage, before our souls become prisoners to our lonely hearts!
I hear in your words you speak of husband – and I too wish to be one, as this brings much honour to Australian wife. I have no interest in walking and drinking. These games are for the children who litter the streets, and while I want many strong children, I do not like litter as litter is for the weak! I am strong! I have strong hands and strong heart, but stronger hands. For you see, hands must not deal with pains of the heart as they are hands – and that is why you and I must be more like hands – strong in our grip of realizing our caged dream.
I have tenderness and much room in my heart for the right woman. Maybe this is you? Are you the rabbit’s foot I seek to gnaw? Does the wind blow the name Sasha in the empty corridors of my mind? Does 2 + 2 = 5? Only time will tell as we climb on board this rollercoaster of desire, dipping and climbing through the inner recesses of our hearts. I am an emperor penguin – Monogamous. I seek a mate with whom I can swim loves channels, only coming up for air to meet each other in tender embrace. I refuse to eat the scraps from loves table any longer! I have had my share of krill…and so have you! For tonight my wonder lust, you and I shall dine on caviar and sweet breads as we take our rightful seats at the emperor’s monogamous table!
I look forward to our next conversation and more photographs of your prettiness. You are as beautiful as a model from store catalogues and it gives me much happiness to be looking at you whilst I am sleeping.
With impatience, I also await your reply as well.
Andre ‘Big Dog’ Witherspoon
So you want to be a Misogynist? Congratulations!
By buying this book, you have officially taken your first step towards reclaiming man’s rightful seat on the throne of sexual domination. For too long now, the waters of planetary ‘co-ed’ civilization have been ‘filthified’…..but do not despair my brothers….for it is time to clean the pond! So Gentlemen, dust off those Tweed leather patched jackets and corn pipes, as I, Chester Misanthrope III delve into the our beautiful past, in the hopes of rekindling ideas such as ‘Prima Nocta’ and live stake burnings.
Successfully, left wing extremist types, bandying the notion of equality between Man and Woman, have left Men with only a sense of self-doubt, rather than sense of self. I for one, have had my fill of the ‘Germain Greere’s and Virginia Wolfe’s, and propose to take arms; teaching these ‘suffragettes’ the definition of suffering under the weight of dirty linen and birth-farms…..
The word Misogyny, derived from Greek:
miso- + gunē – woman
Modern translation – Hatred of Women
As it is clear from the words root origins, the term suggests that women (Miso) are indeed missing a Gene (Gune’); Perhaps explaining some of their more peculiar habits such as bathing, afternoon talk shows and hair appointments.
But how does one undertake the ‘usurping’ of such a little known and feared opponent? Particularly one that has the potential to become retard strong?
Being men of battle, we understand that blood is associated with pain and suffering – yet these creatures endure this monthly, delivering us (the innocent) the pain instead. That is why we must undertake further learning’s of these single celled enemies, to understand them, delivering them to their god given role of kitchen stewards, fetal capsules and seamstress’s.
As Sun Tzu sates in ‘The Art of War’:
Disciplined and calm, to await the appearance of disorder and hubbub amongst the enemy:–this is the art of retaining self-possession.
And so gentleman, we must prepare to attack the greatest scourge mankind has ever been required to face since the Predator – Women. Ready yourselves, as I will teach you to both physically and metaphorically push womankind back down the 2100 flights of stairs….that is….. ‘Man’s’ evolution.
This weeks exercise: Have a few drinks, lash out verbally at girlfriend / wife / grandma pointing out their inadequacies.
Extra Credit: Punch a stranger in the breast whilst yelling ‘you’re too dumb to vote anyway’
You know, it just occurred to me, that whilst I have done a lot of things in my life…..I have never written a poem about getting a ‘Erection’……
Well, now I can say I have.
Whilst lights tendrils spill unrelenting through feeble glass barriers,
The unblinking eye arises!
Like Sauron watches over Mordor.
An unwavering, constant, blink less gaze.
Self appointed gatekeeper of our earthly pleasure,
His stewardship maintains his resolve.
More vein than vain,
He rises – Rejuvenated!
With all the promise only morning brings.
Yearning only to be free from his linen shackles of oppression.
The rage of captivity rushes through every angry inch!
To salute the sun,
The constant soldier,
Ever at attention with the breaking dawn…..
Just as clocks tick, time beckons him….
As from sleeps bosom, his mortal vessel rises to do his bidding.
To blossom like an ugly, ugly flower
And to bask in the joy that is his…Morning Glory!
And today on Illiterates Corner…..
We are glad to present an excerpt from the first chapter of my provocative 1650’s english slang novel-
‘Hunting the Squirrel‘ …..
Chapter 1 –
Round Sum for a Kettle Drum
So as I ‘Crop the Conjuror’ , I thinks to me ‘self, she’d be the type to give a right Curtain Lecture. The Dirty Puzzle I mutters.
So I says, ‘Listen here me dear Nug’, acting the right Palaver as I tossed her a pig. ‘How’s bout sportin the dairy for this old dog in a doublet?’. I always was the practiced packthread.
She gandered me 12’s and 6’s, thinking me the right kidney!
‘Now you listen here me old Pettyfogger! She whined, ‘Best you, your Pego and your Peddlers French, just Shoole off to some other Nuggins house’, her face wearing the weather.
Many I time have I been to the family of love- but never have I been treated as a common Nick Ninny!
Completely flummoxed, I yells ‘Now hang on a tick me young hedge whore! I isn’t no regular Hickenbothom or Pickthank – I come to this here Nanny House to see some Madge! Kettle Drums! Dip me Pego in some Notch and get me Nutmegs grappled! What’s wrong wit ya? You a Nose Gunt or something? And with a wink and a smile, I tossed the harlot a round sum, grabbed her by the arm and set to give that Florence a Flourish!
Was on the next morn I realized I had been Peppederd! Proper Frenchified! What a Bye-Blow! I felt the right Cully….so off to the lock Hospital I trod.
Cop the Conjuror – Jeer with appellation at the woman with short hair
Curtain Lecturer – a woman who scolds her husband in bed
Dirty Puzzle -Slut
Nug -endearing term
Palaver – Flatterer
Pig – Sixpence
Dairy – Breasts
Dog in a Doublet – Stout or robust Fellow
Packthread – To use indecent language, well wrapped up
12’s and 6’s – look up and down
Kidney – Someone of strange humour
Pettyfogger – A little, dirty attorney; of small credit or reputation
Pego – Penis
Peddlers French – A walking stick
Shoole – To go skulking about
Nuggins House – Brothel
Family of Love – Brothel
Nick Ninny – Simpleton
Hedge Whore – lowly Prostitute
Hickenbothem – A Ludicrous name for an unknown person
Pickthank – Tale- bearer or mischief-maker
Nanny House – Brothel
Madge – Vagina
Kettle Drums – Breasts
Notch – Vagina
Nutmegs – Testicles
Nose Gunt – Nun
Round Sum – Handsome sum of money
Florence – A Wench that has been ruffled
Flourish – To enjoy a woman in a hasty manner
Peppered – Infected with venereal disease
Frenchified – Infected with venereal disease
Bye–Blow – Bastard
Cully – A fop or Fool
Lock Hospital – Venereal Hospital
***Hunting the Squirrel – Coming to all desperate and clingy bookstores September 17***
In the past, when I was not busy showering friends and family with abuse, I had a variety of unique past-times. One of these included placing fake pamphlets in people’s letterboxes. Some of the topics for these pamphlets included:
Savings coupons for non existent ladies health care products (such as ‘Vagine- a-Seal’)
Monetary rewards offered for the safe return of lost children who were not mine
Love letters/ Ransom notes cut out of magazine text
Invitations to S&M parties at a selected house on the street
Defamatory letters regarding a selected member of the church community and their ties to child pornography
And of course….Fake Rock Concerts!
Here is an example of one…
Due to overwhelming demand you have been invited to the reunion concert for the legendary 70’s punk rockband- ‘White Cracked Feet’.
The reunion will feature all the original lineup with…..
Jimmy Whitehorse- Vocals, marraccas
Hans Zolar- Lead Guitar, spoons
Reggie Bonox- Drums
Kyle Lister- Bass Guitar, Cheese grater
All you have to do is text the word ‘Glitter’, to 1975755 to receive the address of the gig!
On the night, simply present this invite at the gates to spend your night with these legends of punk rock…. and relive such classics as…
‘Glitter Bitch’ 1972 (Whitehorse, Zolar)
‘Hands off, White Devil’ 1971 (Whitehorse, Lister)
‘Touch my Squid’ 1973 (Bonox)
‘Relax On My Fist’ 1978 (Whitehorse, Zolar, Lister)
‘Picknick Slut’ 1972 (Lister, Feat- Pete Jazz & the sex offenders)
‘Choke me Harder’ 1976 (Whitehorse, Zolar)
‘I’m not your father so kiss me there’ 1976 (Whitehorse)
See You At The Gig!!!!
***PATRONS MUST PRESENT COUPON TO BE GRANTED ENTRY – ONE COUPON PER CUSTOMER***
Fuck I had some good times……
“We’re all gonna die. The trick is not to rush it.” – MacGyver
“The Names Battlecat, Herschel Battlecat”….
For quite some time now, most sensible people have not felt comfortable getting into a moving vehicle whilst I was behind the wheel….who could blame them really, especially with my…umm…how should I put this…. ‘patchy’ driving record!
Having said that, in the last 2 days I have had the honour to chauffeur both friends and family – Peow Peow! The trust is slowly rebuilding…..at this rate, within a few years I will once again be invited to weddings….or be allowed near peoples children….Go Go Gadget Trust!
Today’s vehicular voyage, led myself and a couple of fellow insurgents (who shall remain nameless due to national security), to a secret matinee of “The Bourne Legacy”….at Southbank Cinema’s…167 Grey St, South Brisbane QLD – (07) 3846 0289 – 12:05 session……Fuck! I’ve said too much!
I enjoyed the film immensely, and have now decided that I would like to be a spy.
I know, I know…..but I don’t have any experience I hear you say! Well I beg to differ! According to my EXTENSIVE research, which has included watching various spy films and episodes of ‘Danger Mouse’, to achieve my dream I must possess the following attributes –
I once came 3rd place in a 100m race when I was 9, so I obviously have the potential
Both my Interpretative Dance and Jazz Tap teachers have described my agility as ‘Scary’ – plus, my friends call me Battlecat – as in, ‘Agile as a’
Proficiency in Arms –
I Have two of them and can use them both
I have see all of the Terminator films….Twice! – Plus I NEVER leave a buffet until I am full
I once stole a girls virginity whilst she was sleeping
I represented the state at a year 5 Spelling Bee – I was knocked out in the first round after failing to spell ‘Drought’ – But, in my defence, that winter we had the highest rainfall in 100 years, sooo…..(I did beat an asian kid though)
Martial Arts –
I Looove Asian food…..I’m assuming the rest will just fall into place
I am a Master at improvisational gadgetry (I grew up watching Macguyver)….I once developed a makeshift toilet system using a funnel and a garden hose to avoid getting out of bed…..until the neighbours complained about the smell near my bedroom window….
Plus, anyone who has seen my resume will admit that it is VERY, VERY creative….
Information Gathering –
Not only can I tell you what my neighbours had for dinner, I can also tell you what they are wearing and what they smell like (I’m typing this post from inside their bedroom)
I don’t even know who I am anymore!
I think the fist step in this process will be ascertaining an appropriate training institution….I will call LANGLY, VIRGINIA in the morning…or, failing that, my local TAFE. The most important thing is that I chase my dream….and to do that I plan to keep myself motivated by reading Macgyver quotes –
“For the past seven years I have done nothing but travel around the world getting shot up, locked up, blown up … and all I have to show for it are a couple of empty rolls of duct tape.” – MacGyver