I know little of my family Before coming to Australia, but thanks to ancestors.com, I have traced my family tree back and discovered the following – My actual birth name is ‘Ludwig Von Battlecat’ and I am the only child of ‘Griselda Naudstrum’ and ‘Marcus Aurelius Von Battelcat’.
Interestingly, my Mother, ‘Griselda Naudstrum’ – was once a successful Dental Assistant turned mouthwash addict. My Father, ‘Marcus Aurelius Von Battelcat’, was a Travelling ‘dog-tag’ salesman and ‘Canasta’ shark, who’s once thriving business had diminished significantly since the end of the Vietnam War.
According to my research, it was my Mothers addiction to oral hygiene that eventually bankrupted my father, causing their separation and driving him into the arms of another man. Unable to cope with the reality of child-rearing, and perhaps after 1 too many ‘Listerine’s’, my birthmother left me in the woods of the Carpathian Mountains, abandoned and alone. I believe she still lives in Kraków and has an online ‘Chemist Warehouse’ specialising in ladies sanitary products, and catheter cleaning kits.
My birth Father however, whilst on holidays with his life-partner, ‘Glen’, was killed tragically during a horrific Panda attack at a Japanese kindergarten. It was widely publicised, and apparently even inspired the hit Japanese Game Show “Moshi Moshi, Gaijin”.
(Above – Contestant on Game Show – “Moshi Moshi Gaijin” – winning the coveted ‘Panda Hammer’)
I however, spent the first 4 years of my life raised by a pack of wolves. This was a happy time in my life, with Falco (Wolf leader) always ensuring I had enough to eat and that my coat remained shiny and tick free. Falco also protected me from other predators such as Bears and Lynxes, as I lived happily amongst my surrogate wolf family. It was a simpler time, hunting and gathering; far removed from the ‘Borderline Personality disorders’ and ‘Overactive thyroid’ problems I now face as an ‘adult –man-wolf’. As I grew older, I began to realise however that I was different to my wolf kin (I imagine this is how Kim Kardashian must feel in Hollwood – surrounded by so many talented people?)
(Above – Falco and Mishka – Happier times)
This difference became more and more apparent, until eventually, at age 4, I left my wolf brethren and I was adopted by a Prussian Gypsy named ‘Baba-Ganoush’. Like me, ‘Baba-Ganoush’ was rejected by her birth family due to her overpowering aroma of eggplant and predilection for salt licks (She was forced to sleep in her family’s stable with the horses).
(Above- Baba Ganoush – A very handsome woman!)
It was during the years I spent with Baba-Ganoush I learnt the ancient gypsy art of ‘Rune reading’ and ‘Fortune Telling’….which is why today I am choosing to share my ‘Gifts’ with you all and give you your stars for the upcoming week.
Aries March 21 - April 19
A gang of hungry ‘Ethiopian Runners’ will break into your house; stealing your collection of ‘Rare Fridge Magnets’ and ‘Burger King’ vouchers. There will also be some suspicious stains left in the guest bathroom next to a worn out pair of ‘Converse’.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will take a job working with an Italian Dictator crushing any and all motivation for ‘cooking’ you once had. You will however develop your “Italian motor skills’, and share your gift of ‘Gingivitis’ with a work colleague.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Someone close to you will come to your house ‘unannounced’ and tamper with the thermostat on your ‘Axolotl Tank’. Subsequently, he will die a slow and painful death but will soon be replaced by your new passion for ‘Sea-Monkeys’. Plus check your jeans pockets, I see a small monetary win-fall coming your way VERY shortly
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Like your star sign suggests, this week for you is all about ‘Cancer’. You are RIDDLED with it! Look out for statements from experienced medical professions such as “I’ve never seen a melanoma this big before”, “it’s too advanced to operate” or, “let’s just focus on what time you have left”. I suggest buying a bandana, as it is definitely ‘Stage 5’.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Either you or someone close to you will be involved in a ‘Freak motor vehicle accident’ embroiling a ‘Penny Farthing’ and a ‘Hyundai Getz’. If you do not yet have hospital cover, act IMMEDIATELY – as the impending hospital bills will be enough to wipe the smile off even ‘Patch Adams’s’ face!
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Ironically, your 9-year-old ‘Virgo’ daughter ‘Tiffany’ will advise you that she is pregnant, and that the Father is her ‘Home Economics’ teacher, Mr. Sampson. This will cause quite the stir in your town, but will eventually prove to be untrue when testing of the ‘stain’ reveals it is only ‘Garlic Aioli’. Witnesses will also confirm that there was no sound of ‘shattering glass’ associated with Tiffany’s ‘hymen’ breaking, and that any such noise was most likely the ‘Kitchen-Aid’. Lying little bitch!
Libra September 23 - October 22
Like myself, this week will see you retrace you ancestral heritage, revealing your family’s rich ‘slave’ history. Although you are as ‘white as the driven snow’, it will soon come to light that your father, ‘Demarcus Jackson’, came to America on the ship the ‘Edgefield’ to pick cotton. This will hopefully explain your weakness for Fried Chicken, Corn bread, Grape juice and Oprah re-runs. On the plus side, record sales for your white supremacist group “Die Whoopi Goldberg, DIE!” have gone through the roof.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Whist buying groceries at the local supermarket, you will be approached a Television Network Executive and offered a spot in an upcoming ‘Islamic Comedy’ – ‘Slap Da Mufti!’. Your character, ‘Abdul Aleem’ (Meaning – Servant of the Omniscient) is an aspiring terrorist / Butler for an ‘Oil Sheikh’ in Pakistan. Your characters catch cry will be ‘Shazanini!’, every time the local authorities find one of your backpack bombs, thwarting his plans. The show will not be picked up following the pilot, as the network will say, “We just don’t think it’s the right time….”.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
This week will see you pursue further training in the field of ‘Iridology’ – which will eventually lead you to discover you have a ‘Degenerative Eye Disease’, ‘Glaucoma’ and will require ‘Cataract Surgery’. On the plus side, you will be given ‘legitimate’ scripts for ‘Medicinal Marijuana’, and will be invited to a LOT more parties! BONG ON!
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Love is on the horizon this week for Capricorn; unfortunately, this love will come in the form of ‘Rape’ at a local train station car park. Subsequent to this attack, you will develop severe ‘Agoraphobia’ and develop confusing feeling about your female therapist, Dr. Iguodala. She will prescribe you heavy doses of ‘Lithium’ and ‘Nirvana’ songs and suggestively touch your upper thigh on more than 1 occasion.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius! Unfortunately, what this ACTUALLY means, is that your wife ‘Dawn’ is cheating on you with a man named Robert – who drives a courtesy bus for the local Bowls Club. You will come home early from work to find ‘Robert’….’Parking the Bus’, all over the plastic wrapped sofa and your ‘late mothers’ tea chest.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
For all you Pisces out there, let me just say, there has NEVER been a better time to get into ‘Salmon Farming’. Opportunities like this one don’t come along very often, so grab it while the going is good. On the down side, your eldest daughter ‘Sophia’ has joined a ‘David Koresh’ style cult in Wisconsin and will most likely ‘Sacrifice herself’ by the time you finish reading this. Win some, lose some?
“The Names Battlecat, Herschel Battlecat”….
For quite some time now, most sensible people have not felt comfortable getting into a moving vehicle whilst I was behind the wheel….who could blame them really, especially with my…umm…how should I put this…. ‘patchy’ driving record!
Having said that, in the last 2 days I have had the honour to chauffeur both friends and family – Peow Peow! The trust is slowly rebuilding…..at this rate, within a few years I will once again be invited to weddings….or be allowed near peoples children….Go Go Gadget Trust!
Today’s vehicular voyage, led myself and a couple of fellow insurgents (who shall remain nameless due to national security), to a secret matinee of “The Bourne Legacy”….at Southbank Cinema’s…167 Grey St, South Brisbane QLD – (07) 3846 0289 – 12:05 session……Fuck! I’ve said too much!
I enjoyed the film immensely, and have now decided that I would like to be a spy.
I know, I know…..but I don’t have any experience I hear you say! Well I beg to differ! According to my EXTENSIVE research, which has included watching various spy films and episodes of ‘Danger Mouse’, to achieve my dream I must possess the following attributes –
I once came 3rd place in a 100m race when I was 9, so I obviously have the potential
Both my Interpretative Dance and Jazz Tap teachers have described my agility as ‘Scary’ – plus, my friends call me Battlecat – as in, ‘Agile as a’
Proficiency in Arms –
I Have two of them and can use them both
I have see all of the Terminator films….Twice! – Plus I NEVER leave a buffet until I am full
I once stole a girls virginity whilst she was sleeping
I represented the state at a year 5 Spelling Bee – I was knocked out in the first round after failing to spell ‘Drought’ – But, in my defence, that winter we had the highest rainfall in 100 years, sooo…..(I did beat an asian kid though)
Martial Arts –
I Looove Asian food…..I’m assuming the rest will just fall into place
I am a Master at improvisational gadgetry (I grew up watching Macguyver)….I once developed a makeshift toilet system using a funnel and a garden hose to avoid getting out of bed…..until the neighbours complained about the smell near my bedroom window….
Plus, anyone who has seen my resume will admit that it is VERY, VERY creative….
Information Gathering –
Not only can I tell you what my neighbours had for dinner, I can also tell you what they are wearing and what they smell like (I’m typing this post from inside their bedroom)
I don’t even know who I am anymore!
I think the fist step in this process will be ascertaining an appropriate training institution….I will call LANGLY, VIRGINIA in the morning…or, failing that, my local TAFE. The most important thing is that I chase my dream….and to do that I plan to keep myself motivated by reading Macgyver quotes –
“For the past seven years I have done nothing but travel around the world getting shot up, locked up, blown up … and all I have to show for it are a couple of empty rolls of duct tape.” – MacGyver