Hi Guys….. and perhaps less discerning girls…..
Below is a letter I have just penned to my real estate agent, regarding numerous ‘issues’ I have had since my tenancy inception….let me know your thoughts on how I handled the situation…
I am the tenant of ******** Ipswich Rd.
I am writing in relation to the water leaking from my roof onto all of my electrical equipment; I have notified you of this previously, and nothing has been DONE! When I came into the office, unfortunately the response was to give me the number of the plumber, Ascot Plumbing……I have attempted to contact this plumber and he will not pick up! Might I also add, as a tenant, this is not MY FUCKING responsibility!
Let me make this clear – I want this fixed IMMEDIATELY!
If this issues not fixed IMMEDIATELY….I will be contacting all relevant persons, including the RTA and the owners of the property – Crandon Investments PL & Vandaley Properties PL to advise them of the stewardship provided by your real estate agency. This is not good enough! Earn your 6% or 10% or whatever you fucking charge!
I have water leaking through the light fixtures for gods sake! I am not paying $250 a week to live under a bridge…..I do not find the ‘thrill of electrocution’ as inciting as I once did in my early 20’s……you are the responsible party, so I advise you act like it! Otherwise I will do everything in my power to send your company’s name into disrepute!
Every social media tool, every public forum…..will echo the name ‘Matthews Real Estate’…..emphasising the ‘lacklustre’ approach to property maintenance which your company so wholeheartedly deserves!
I make no apologies for my abrupt tone; but to be honest, I have already dramatically reduced the aggression I intended to express.
You think I am overreacting? Ok….
This week I received an email from Mathews Real estate….loaded with threatening undertones, for a mistake that was not my fault regarding my electricity –
I will pay for my FUCKING ELECTRICITY GOD DAMMIT! Don’t you dare have the brass balls to accuse me of avoiding my financial responsibility due to a FUCK UP by a contractor endorsed by YOUR company! – In saying this, Clare from reception handled this professionally following the information I provided – but to be honest, I do not like fucking accusations for something that was not my fault – PERIOD!
I have had contractors walk into my house while I was home…UNANNOUNCED AND WITH THEIR OWN SET OF KEYS….to complete work I was never notified of…..
One of your electricians turned my power off UNANNOUNCED….and then preceded to leave…..if I had not caught him before he drove away, I would have been without power for god knows how long!
In short – the responsibility for my current level of aggression is because of your agency. THIS IS NOT FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH!
Rest assured, if this is not rectified immediately, I will contact every MOTHER FUCKER on gods green earth until I receive the treatment prescribed under the Residential Tenancies Act that protects me from inferior real estate agencies such as yourself!
This is QLD; Subsequently, full of fucking idiots- but if you are going to run a business, and YOUR business is REAL ESTATE….don’t treat it like the ‘wild west’ …..do your fucking job and follow it through for gods sake!
I look forward to hearing from you FIRST THING MONDAY MORNING!!!! – If not, I’ll call Today Tonight on you wankers……oh and did I mention I won’t be renewing my lease? ……It’s not me….it’s you….I just think we should see other people…..
You know, it just occurred to me, that whilst I have done a lot of things in my life…..I have never written a poem about getting a ‘Erection’……
Well, now I can say I have.
Whilst lights tendrils spill unrelenting through feeble glass barriers,
The unblinking eye arises!
Like Sauron watches over Mordor.
An unwavering, constant, blink less gaze.
Self appointed gatekeeper of our earthly pleasure,
His stewardship maintains his resolve.
More vein than vain,
He rises – Rejuvenated!
With all the promise only morning brings.
Yearning only to be free from his linen shackles of oppression.
The rage of captivity rushes through every angry inch!
To salute the sun,
The constant soldier,
Ever at attention with the breaking dawn…..
Just as clocks tick, time beckons him….
As from sleeps bosom, his mortal vessel rises to do his bidding.
To blossom like an ugly, ugly flower
And to bask in the joy that is his…Morning Glory!
And today on Illiterates Corner…..
We are glad to present an excerpt from the first chapter of my provocative 1650’s english slang novel-
‘Hunting the Squirrel‘ …..
Chapter 1 –
Round Sum for a Kettle Drum
So as I ‘Crop the Conjuror’ , I thinks to me ‘self, she’d be the type to give a right Curtain Lecture. The Dirty Puzzle I mutters.
So I says, ‘Listen here me dear Nug’, acting the right Palaver as I tossed her a pig. ‘How’s bout sportin the dairy for this old dog in a doublet?’. I always was the practiced packthread.
She gandered me 12’s and 6’s, thinking me the right kidney!
‘Now you listen here me old Pettyfogger! She whined, ‘Best you, your Pego and your Peddlers French, just Shoole off to some other Nuggins house’, her face wearing the weather.
Many I time have I been to the family of love- but never have I been treated as a common Nick Ninny!
Completely flummoxed, I yells ‘Now hang on a tick me young hedge whore! I isn’t no regular Hickenbothom or Pickthank – I come to this here Nanny House to see some Madge! Kettle Drums! Dip me Pego in some Notch and get me Nutmegs grappled! What’s wrong wit ya? You a Nose Gunt or something? And with a wink and a smile, I tossed the harlot a round sum, grabbed her by the arm and set to give that Florence a Flourish!
Was on the next morn I realized I had been Peppederd! Proper Frenchified! What a Bye-Blow! I felt the right Cully….so off to the lock Hospital I trod.
Cop the Conjuror – Jeer with appellation at the woman with short hair
Curtain Lecturer – a woman who scolds her husband in bed
Dirty Puzzle -Slut
Nug -endearing term
Palaver – Flatterer
Pig – Sixpence
Dairy – Breasts
Dog in a Doublet – Stout or robust Fellow
Packthread – To use indecent language, well wrapped up
12’s and 6’s – look up and down
Kidney – Someone of strange humour
Pettyfogger – A little, dirty attorney; of small credit or reputation
Pego – Penis
Peddlers French – A walking stick
Shoole – To go skulking about
Nuggins House – Brothel
Family of Love – Brothel
Nick Ninny – Simpleton
Hedge Whore – lowly Prostitute
Hickenbothem – A Ludicrous name for an unknown person
Pickthank – Tale- bearer or mischief-maker
Nanny House – Brothel
Madge – Vagina
Kettle Drums – Breasts
Notch – Vagina
Nutmegs – Testicles
Nose Gunt – Nun
Round Sum – Handsome sum of money
Florence – A Wench that has been ruffled
Flourish – To enjoy a woman in a hasty manner
Peppered – Infected with venereal disease
Frenchified – Infected with venereal disease
Bye–Blow – Bastard
Cully – A fop or Fool
Lock Hospital – Venereal Hospital
***Hunting the Squirrel – Coming to all desperate and clingy bookstores September 17***