Tagged: creative writing

It’s not me…..it’s you!

Hi Guys….. and perhaps less discerning girls…..

Below is a letter I have just penned to my real estate agent, regarding numerous ‘issues’ I have had since my tenancy inception….let me know your thoughts on how I handled the situation…

 

Good Afternoon,

I am the tenant of ******** Ipswich Rd.

I am writing in relation to the water leaking from my roof onto all of my electrical equipment; I have notified you of this previously, and nothing has been DONE! When I came into the office, unfortunately the response was to give me the number of the plumber, Ascot Plumbing……I have attempted to contact this plumber and he will not pick up! Might I also add, as a tenant, this is not MY FUCKING responsibility!

Let me make this clear – I want this fixed IMMEDIATELY!

If this issues not fixed IMMEDIATELY….I will be contacting all relevant persons, including the RTA and the owners of the property – Crandon Investments PL & Vandaley Properties PL to advise them of the stewardship provided by your real estate agency. This is not good enough! Earn your 6% or 10% or whatever you fucking charge!

I have water leaking through the light fixtures for gods sake! I am not paying $250 a week to live under a bridge…..I do not find the ‘thrill of electrocution’ as inciting as I once did in my early 20’s……you are the responsible party, so I advise you act like it! Otherwise I will do everything in my power to send your company’s name into disrepute!

Every social media tool, every public forum…..will echo the name ‘Matthews Real Estate’…..emphasising the ‘lacklustre’ approach to property maintenance which your company so wholeheartedly deserves!

I make no apologies for my abrupt tone; but to be honest, I have already dramatically reduced the aggression I intended to express.

You think I am overreacting? Ok….

This week I received an email from Mathews Real estate….loaded with  threatening undertones, for a mistake that was not my fault regarding my electricity –
I will pay for my FUCKING ELECTRICITY GOD DAMMIT! Don’t you dare have the brass balls to accuse me of avoiding my financial responsibility due to a FUCK UP by a contractor endorsed by YOUR company! – In saying this, Clare from reception handled this professionally following the information I provided – but to be honest, I do not like fucking accusations for something that was not my fault – PERIOD!

I have had contractors walk into my house while I was home…UNANNOUNCED AND WITH THEIR OWN SET OF KEYS….to complete work I was never notified of…..

One of your electricians turned my power off UNANNOUNCED….and then preceded to leave…..if I had not caught him before he drove away, I would have been without power for god knows how long!

In short –  the responsibility for my current level of aggression is because of your agency. THIS IS NOT FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH!

Rest assured, if this is not rectified immediately, I will contact every MOTHER FUCKER on gods green earth until I receive the treatment prescribed under the Residential Tenancies Act that protects me from inferior real estate agencies such as yourself!

This is QLD; Subsequently, full of fucking idiots- but if you are going to run a business, and YOUR business is REAL ESTATE….don’t treat it like the ‘wild west’ …..do your fucking job and follow it through for gods sake!

I look forward to hearing from you FIRST THING MONDAY MORNING!!!! – If not, I’ll call Today Tonight on you wankers……oh and did I mention I won’t be renewing my lease? ……It’s not me….it’s you….I just think we should see other people…..

Regards,

Stavros Battlecatalous

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Morning Glory

You know, it just occurred to me, that whilst I have done a lot of things in my life…..I have never written a poem about getting a ‘Erection’…… 

Well, now I can say I have. 

 

Morning Glory

Whilst lights tendrils spill unrelenting through feeble glass barriers,

The unblinking eye arises!

Like Sauron watches over Mordor.

An unwavering, constant, blink less gaze.

Self appointed gatekeeper of our earthly pleasure,

His stewardship maintains his resolve.

More vein than vain,

He rises – Rejuvenated!

With all the promise only morning brings.

Yearning only to be free from his linen shackles of oppression.

The rage of captivity rushes through every angry inch!

AAAARRRRRRHHHHHH!

To salute the sun,

The constant soldier,

Ever at attention with the breaking dawn…..

‘Ten-Hut’!

Just as clocks tick, time beckons him….

As from sleeps bosom, his mortal vessel rises to do his bidding.

Finally, Freedom!

To blossom like an ugly, ugly flower

And to bask in the joy that is his…Morning Glory!

1650’s Shades of Grey…

And today on Illiterates Corner…..

We are glad to present an excerpt from the first chapter of my provocative 1650’s english slang novel-

Hunting the Squirrel‘ …..

Chapter 1 –

Round Sum for a Kettle Drum

So as I ‘Crop the Conjuror’ , I thinks to me ‘self, she’d be the type to give a right Curtain Lecture. The Dirty Puzzle I mutters.

So I says, ‘Listen here me dear Nug’, acting the right Palaver as I tossed her a pig. ‘How’s bout sportin the dairy for this old dog in a doublet?’. I always was the practiced packthread.

She gandered me 12’s and 6’s, thinking me the right kidney!

‘Now you listen here me old Pettyfogger! She whined, ‘Best you, your Pego and your Peddlers French, just Shoole off to some other Nuggins house’, her face wearing the weather.

Many I time have I been to the family of love- but never have I been treated as a common Nick Ninny!

Completely flummoxed, I yells ‘Now hang on a tick me young hedge whore! I isn’t no regular Hickenbothom or Pickthank – I come to this here Nanny House to see some Madge! Kettle Drums! Dip me Pego in some Notch and get me Nutmegs grappled! What’s wrong wit ya? You a Nose Gunt or something?  And with a wink and a smile, I tossed the harlot a round sum, grabbed her by the arm and set to give that Florence a Flourish!  

Was on the next morn I realized I had been Peppederd! Proper Frenchified! What a Bye-Blow! I felt the right Cully….so off to the lock Hospital I trod. 

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Definitions:

Cop the Conjuror – Jeer with appellation at the woman with short hair

Curtain Lecturer – a woman who scolds her husband in bed

Dirty Puzzle -Slut

Nug -endearing term

Palaver – Flatterer

Pig – Sixpence

Dairy – Breasts

Dog in a Doublet – Stout or robust Fellow

Packthread – To use indecent language, well wrapped up

12’s and 6’s – look up and down

Kidney – Someone of strange humour

Pettyfogger – A little, dirty attorney; of small credit or reputation

Pego – Penis

Peddlers French – A walking stick

Shoole – To go skulking about

Nuggins House – Brothel

Family of Love – Brothel

Nick Ninny –  Simpleton

Hedge Whore – lowly Prostitute

Hickenbothem – A Ludicrous name for an unknown person

Pickthank – Tale- bearer or mischief-maker

Nanny House – Brothel

Madge – Vagina

Kettle Drums – Breasts

Notch – Vagina

Nutmegs – Testicles

Nose Gunt – Nun

Round Sum – Handsome sum of money

Florence – A Wench that has been ruffled

Flourish – To enjoy a woman in a hasty manner

Peppered – Infected with venereal disease

Frenchified – Infected with venereal disease

Bye–Blow – Bastard

Cully – A fop or Fool

Lock Hospital – Venereal Hospital

***Hunting the Squirrel  –  Coming to all desperate and clingy bookstores September 17***