Tagged: MacGuyver

White Cracked Feet….

In the past, when I was not busy showering friends and family with abuse, I had a variety of unique past-times. One of these included placing fake pamphlets in people’s letterboxes. Some of the topics for these pamphlets included:

Savings coupons for non existent ladies health care products (such as ‘Vagine- a-Seal’)
Monetary rewards offered for the safe return of lost children who were not mine
Love letters/ Ransom notes cut out of magazine text
Invitations to S&M parties at a selected house on the street
Defamatory letters regarding a selected member of the church community and their ties to child pornography

And of course….Fake Rock Concerts!

Here is an example of one…

Dear Rocker,

Due to overwhelming demand you have been invited to the reunion concert for the legendary 70’s punk rockband- ‘White Cracked Feet’.

The reunion will feature all the original lineup with…..

Jimmy Whitehorse- Vocals, marraccas
Hans Zolar- Lead Guitar, spoons
Reggie Bonox- Drums
Kyle Lister- Bass Guitar, Cheese grater

All you have to do is text the word ‘Glitter’, to 1975755 to receive the address of the gig!
On the night, simply present this invite at the gates to spend your night with these legends of punk rock…. and relive such classics as…

‘Glitter Bitch’ 1972 (Whitehorse, Zolar)
‘Hands off, White Devil’ 1971 (Whitehorse, Lister)
‘Touch my Squid’ 1973 (Bonox)
‘Relax On My Fist’ 1978 (Whitehorse, Zolar, Lister)
‘Picknick Slut’ 1972 (Lister, Feat- Pete Jazz & the sex offenders)
‘Choke me Harder’ 1976 (Whitehorse, Zolar)
‘I’m not your father so kiss me there’ 1976 (Whitehorse)

See You At The Gig!!!!

Rowan Hammill
(Tour Manager)

***PATRONS MUST PRESENT COUPON TO BE GRANTED ENTRY – ONE COUPON PER CUSTOMER***

Fuck I had some good times……

“We’re all gonna die. The trick is not to rush it.” – MacGyver

CarSales.com

Last year, I attempted to sell my car via the website Carsales.com.au…..the following is an account of one experience I had during this process….

For the most part, the people interested in buying the car were a bunch of scrotums! They were either ‘Tyre Kickers’ or fucking ‘Low-ballers’ – I think one guy offered me $4k….I was asking $7…..I politlely told him to ‘Fuck off’.

Eventually, after a few months of complete sales frustration, I received an email….

Now buy this point, might I start by saying, I had completely had enough! I was a live-wire…..a raw bundle of emotion, balanced precariously on the edge of sanity and madness….

I was literally ready to stab the next motherfucker who kicked my rim, or offered to buy the car for a fiver, a packet of Mentos and a reach around….

Anyway….so then I got this email….

From: “enquiry@www.carsales.com.au”
Message:
Hello, just wondering if you are negotiable on the price as I have $6000 cash . Thanks Jacqui

My response –

Subject: Re: Enquiry from http://www.carsales.com.au – Enquiry ID : 513748
Hello,

I am no longer going to sell the car. I would rather keep it than sell it for the price you and many others are asking. I wish you the greatest fortune in your elusive hunt to buy something for nothing. Perhaps you might like to reconsider your choice? Why not find something in your price-range…..like a 1980 datsun 120y? It comes with a free midget and will definately fit in your mum’s garage…….Pfffft.

BC

Maybe I was a little too harsh….but it’s like MacGuyver always says –

“There’s a fine line in nature that divides the hunter from the hunted.” – MacGuyver

Secret Asian Man….

“The Names Battlecat, Herschel Battlecat”….

For quite some time now, most sensible people have not felt comfortable getting into a moving vehicle whilst I was behind the wheel….who could blame them really, especially with my…umm…how should I put this…. ‘patchy’ driving record!

Having said that, in the last 2 days I have had the honour to chauffeur both friends and family – Peow Peow! The trust is slowly rebuilding…..at this rate, within a few years I will once again be invited to weddings….or be allowed near peoples children….Go Go Gadget Trust!

Today’s vehicular voyage, led myself and a couple of fellow insurgents (who shall remain nameless due to national security), to a secret matinee of “The Bourne Legacy”….at Southbank Cinema’s…167 Grey St, South Brisbane QLD – (07) 3846 0289 – 12:05 session……Fuck! I’ve said too much!

I enjoyed the film immensely, and have now decided that I would like to be a spy.

I know, I know…..but I don’t have any experience I hear you say! Well I beg to differ! According to my EXTENSIVE research, which has included watching various spy films and episodes of ‘Danger Mouse’, to achieve my dream I must possess the following attributes –

Speed –
I once came 3rd place in a 100m race when I was 9, so I obviously have the potential

Agility –
Both my Interpretative Dance and Jazz Tap teachers have described my agility as ‘Scary’ – plus, my friends call me Battlecat – as in, ‘Agile as a’

Proficiency in Arms –
I Have two of them and can use them both

Determination –
I have see all of the Terminator films….Twice! – Plus I NEVER leave a buffet until I am full

Stealth –
I once stole a girls virginity whilst she was sleeping

Intelligence –
I represented the state at a year 5 Spelling Bee – I was knocked out in the first round after failing to spell ‘Drought’ – But, in my defence, that winter we had the highest rainfall in 100 years, sooo…..(I did beat an asian kid though)

Martial Arts –
I Looove Asian food…..I’m assuming the rest will just fall into place

Creativity –
I am a Master at improvisational gadgetry (I grew up watching Macguyver)….I once developed a makeshift toilet system using a funnel and a garden hose to avoid getting out of bed…..until the neighbours complained about the smell near my bedroom window….

Plus, anyone who has seen my resume will admit that it is VERY, VERY creative….

Information Gathering –
Not only can I tell you what my neighbours had for dinner, I can also tell you what they are wearing and what they smell like (I’m typing this post from inside their bedroom)

Anonymity –
I don’t even know who I am anymore!

I think the fist step in this process will be ascertaining an appropriate training institution….I will call LANGLY, VIRGINIA in the morning…or, failing that, my local TAFE. The most important thing is that I chase my dream….and to do that I plan to keep myself motivated by reading Macgyver quotes –

“For the past seven years I have done nothing but travel around the world getting shot up, locked up, blown up … and all I have to show for it are a couple of empty rolls of duct tape.” – MacGyver

H