Until today, I always thought that the term, ‘Walking the dog’ was some kind of metaphorical colloqualism for masturbating…..you know, like ‘feeding the chooks’, or ‘spanking the monkey’…..how wrong I was!
As it turns out, there is a large number of people who walk dogs….and today I joined this elitist group of bored, mostly retired or fat individuals. Conveniently, I have direct access to a pair of little white dogs – the exact type required for this upper middle class white man parade! How fortunate am I?
So today, as the beautiful sun shone down over the coastline, I took my 2 new mascots down to stretch their furry little legs, whilst I sought to rub shoulders with your ‘Angela Lansbury / Matlock’ types, and the overweight…..thankfully, I fit right in! Huzzah!
The saying that dogs resemble their owners is in my opinion, incredibly true. Being the avid dog walker that I am, I can confidently say with almost an hours dog walking experience – There are either some fucking ugly people in this world, or some average looking dogs! I mean honestly…..do people buy dogs to avoid mirrors? I almost gave one woman a handful of liver treats……rookie mistake. But in all fairness, her coat was quite shiny and her breath did smell like dead birds, so I will have to bear this in mind for the next outing.
But it wasn’t all Senior Citizens and Rosie O’donnell lookalikes. At one point, my 4 legged companions and I wandered past what appeared to be a photo shoot for ‘Barely Legal’. There we were, just minding other peoples business, when we saw 3 scantily clad teenage tramps nestled in the bushes; showing as much cleavage and upper thigh as possible, might I add! Outrages!
Eventually they left….I think when I sat down directly across from with a box of tissues and a trench coat, moving my hand rapidly around my nether regions they thought they best move on? Seriously though, I have no idea what they were doing….but their roles were clearly defined – girl with the camera (Artistic Director), the skank (Model), and the chubbiest one (Make up and wardrobe). I only hope they were not shooting a porno…..at least not for a few more years…aaaahhhh….they grow up so fast don’t they?
Who knew that the simple act of dog walking could bring so much excitement! I’m not going to be able to sleep now!