And today on Illiterates Corner…..

We are glad to present an excerpt from the first chapter of my provocative 1650’s english slang novel-

‘Hunting the Squirrel‘ …..

Chapter 1 –

Round Sum for a Kettle Drum

So as I ‘Crop the Conjuror’ , I thinks to me ‘self, she’d be the type to give a right Curtain Lecture. The Dirty Puzzle I mutters.

So I says, ‘Listen here me dear Nug’, acting the right Palaver as I tossed her a pig. ‘How’s bout sportin the dairy for this old dog in a doublet?’. I always was the practiced packthread.

She gandered me 12’s and 6’s, thinking me the right kidney!

‘Now you listen here me old Pettyfogger! She whined, ‘Best you, your Pego and your Peddlers French, just Shoole off to some other Nuggins house’, her face wearing the weather.

Many I time have I been to the family of love- but never have I been treated as a common Nick Ninny!

Completely flummoxed, I yells ‘Now hang on a tick me young hedge whore! I isn’t no regular Hickenbothom or Pickthank – I come to this here Nanny House to see some Madge! Kettle Drums! Dip me Pego in some Notch and get me Nutmegs grappled! What’s wrong wit ya? You a Nose Gunt or something?  And with a wink and a smile, I tossed the harlot a round sum, grabbed her by the arm and set to give that Florence a Flourish!  

Was on the next morn I realized I had been Peppederd! Proper Frenchified! What a Bye-Blow! I felt the right Cully….so off to the lock Hospital I trod. 

Definitions:

Cop the Conjuror – Jeer with appellation at the woman with short hair

Curtain Lecturer – a woman who scolds her husband in bed

Dirty Puzzle -Slut

Nug -endearing term

Palaver – Flatterer

Pig – Sixpence

Dairy – Breasts

Dog in a Doublet – Stout or robust Fellow

Packthread – To use indecent language, well wrapped up

12’s and 6’s – look up and down

Kidney – Someone of strange humour

Pettyfogger – A little, dirty attorney; of small credit or reputation

Pego – Penis

Peddlers French – A walking stick

Shoole – To go skulking about

Nuggins House – Brothel

Family of Love – Brothel

Nick Ninny –  Simpleton

Hedge Whore – lowly Prostitute

Hickenbothem – A Ludicrous name for an unknown person

Pickthank – Tale- bearer or mischief-maker

Nanny House – Brothel

Madge – Vagina

Kettle Drums – Breasts

Notch – Vagina

Nutmegs – Testicles

Nose Gunt – Nun

Round Sum – Handsome sum of money

Florence – A Wench that has been ruffled

Flourish – To enjoy a woman in a hasty manner

Peppered – Infected with venereal disease

Frenchified – Infected with venereal disease

Bye–Blow – Bastard

Cully – A fop or Fool

Lock Hospital – Venereal Hospital

***Hunting the Squirrel  –  Coming to all desperate and clingy bookstores September 17***